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How to improve social confidence, and meet new people daily!

Ace Kaz shrunk

That’s actually my sister and I as little little kids


8 years ago I was a complete nobody. I had hardly any friends. I struggled to talk to new people, couldn’t talk to strangers and certainly couldn’t talk to the opposite sex. My Social Confidence was at all time lows. Once I learned how to improve social confidence, and meet new people a whole new world opened up for me. I hope, and know it can do the same for you!

 This Article can be read here, downloaded in .pdf  or via Slideshare

Today, there are a lot of people out there that don’t seem to have the charisma or ability to meet the people they want to meet. Sometimes it comes down to Social Confidence. As our readers are quiet smart and value self development, I thought we would write a little bit about the subject here. Especially for those that care about their communities and want to share a good read.

Good Social Confidence can easily lead to:

  • Improved work relationships,
  • Through meeting new people increased opportunity for sales or networking
  • A dramatic increase in the chances of finding that special person
  • New ideas, concepts, friends and a whole lot more fun.

So who wouldn’t want more of it!

Let’s not talk to much about it, but what about the opposite. I see a lack of Social Confidence regularly and you probably see it too.

Right now, do you believe that the community around you is regularly improving or losing Social Confidence?

Personally, it never ceases to amaze me how common a lack of social skills is. I’ve seen this in most of the countries I’ve visited so far (70+ Countries). Every single week I meet people who struggle to make eye contact, can’t hold down a solid conversation and let’s not get started with Smartphones replacing real life conversation.

Social skills are not something you learn over night or from a smart phone app. People traditionally learned through lots of experience and good guidance but since the creation of TV less and less real life interactions are taking place. Social skills are on the which is the main reason I chose to develop skills in Training & Coaching. This industry is booming, as more and more smart people turn to educated experts for advice.

However I could be wrong.What do you think? Are these skills going down?

Here is a six step process that helped me grow my social confidence and drastically improved my social skills to the point where I was on TEDx twice.

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How to improve social confidence.

lets get into it!

1. Talk to strangers, daily.

Talk to everybody! Talk to the security guard, the shop attendants, the delivery people, people anywhere you can. Even if its just hi. This habit of becoming more social and a natural hello to any person is also going to help the common occurrence of “wondering what to say next”. Something that commonly happens when trying to meet the opposite sex. The more you talk to people in your day to day life, the more comfortable you’ll become in these types of situations.

It is a systemic desensitization approach to social anxiety and its effectiveness is evidenced by psychological research. For the majority of people, taking baby steps has proven to be the best way of overcoming social anxiety.

Another reason for doing this, is that you will meet all sorts of people from different walks of life. Doing this regularly is a fantastic way of building a diverse, interesting and larger social circle.

 

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Look at this little fella in the middle! That’s Pure Awesomeness.

 

2. Learn to listen effectively.

Seek first to understand. Imagine if every thing that came out of your mouth was twice as wise. How valuable would that be?

That can actually be achieved a process I call

“shut your mouth & listen first”.

First listen with your ears, second listen with your mind. And if you really want to connect, listen with your heart. That’s what some people call, “third level listening”.

Remember, it’s not just verbal, it’s also language patterns, tonality, context based, and we haven’t even got to body language yet. Effective listening can really assist you in connecting with people without even having to think about what to say.

 

3. Everyone’s favourite topic is the same anyway

Everyone has their own story and their favourite stories. I love talking about myself. You do to. What is your story you like to share?

Think about that for a moment.

What’s your favourite story you love to share?

Perhaps you can prove me wrong, sometimes it happens. Pretty much everyone I ever spoke to across 70+countries I traveled had the same favourite subject. You know what it is, right? It was themselves. They want to talk about themselves.

It’s human nature. Perfectly natural. We like talking about ourselves. Therefore, whenever you want to talk to someone new, just ask them about themselves and fully listen to what they say. Be curious, find out about them. If you listen deep enough and ask the right questions you can learn something from everyone.

 

4. Don’t worry about what people think of you

Despite what we’re neurologically programmed to do, we actually overdo it. We are supposed to be at least a little concerned about what other people think. That is part of Social or Cultural Intelligence. Part of being in a tribe is behaving to tribe norms. However we often overdo it.

Most of the time, people are paying so much attention to themselves or what’s going on in their life (or phone) that they don’t pay much attention to you. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just, you’re not that important to them. They have their own concerns. In fact if someone thinks negatively of you, it is more often a reflection of something in their life and not yours. If someone is rude, neglecting or judging, it’s merely some drama in their own life coming out.

When you meet this behaviour, have patience with the person. Remember: the person and the behaviour can be seen as separate things. Focus on your own happiness. Happiness inside will be reflected on the outside.

Charles Chaplan and Confidence

5. Laugh

The psychological and physical benefits of laughing are often underestimated. If you ever get the opportunity, try checking out Laughing Yoga. I hear it’s a blast. Laughing is one of the best ways to ease stress, anxiety, tension, fear, trauma and the hiccups.

As much as everyone loves a comedian, you don’t have to go that far. Laughing has a way of building connections between people so being light hearted and easy to laugh with is desirable.

Laughing in the context of fear, or lack of confidence is a simple way of reducing hesitation. Laughing at myself, laughing at my own fear of doing something is a gentle way of reframing or rethinking about the fear.

6. Want to really gain confidence?

Go to events where you don’t know anyone, regularly.

This would be one of the best habits for people trying to gain confidence in the steps mentioned above. How to apply tips 1-5 at a new event?

One of the hardest things for me to do after ending my first serious relationship (7 years), was going out by myself afterwards. For me, it wasn’t a choice, I didn’t have friends. However even later after I made some friends, I still practiced and pushed myself to go out alone (+ I was really looking for a girlfriend, not drinking buddies). I’ll never forget moving to a new city, and getting an apartment down town (Spring Hill, Brisbane). I didn’t get the internet put on, so that I would have to walk down to different Internet Cafe’s instead of staying home. After a couple of trips, and not meeting people, I started to detour around places and occasionally go into a bar or cafe. Unfortunately I didn’t know about tips 1-5 so I wasn’t that good, but I was making progress.

This tip is great for Meetup.com, festivals, house parties. A side benefit will be that it will force you to meet new people.

 

How do you attack a big challenge like Confidence?

The same way you eat an Elephant.

One piece at a time.

If you can read all of this article, then learning regular ways for how to improve social confidence is something you can certainly do.

Since you’re an avid reader and got all the way to the end, I like to say a big thank you for your time. Please, feel free to follow, ask for more, or reply with a comment.


After all, you don’t want to be latched onto the one person all night.Worse yet, you don’t want to end out like this man.

from-Adriancahill.com-My-Family-Got-Kidnapped-By-Ninjas-300x220

Examples of Coaching in Kuala Lumpur

The saying goes, “Learn from those who have done it”. When it comes to Adrian it’s all experience. Being able to leave his full time job and travel for over 4 years before the age of 28 is an accomplishment most people dream of at the age of 58.…   Brian Peters, www.peterspartnership.com.au

 

For those that who don’t know, I’m one of the most experienced Couch Surfers in Australia and China (where I spend half my time). I’ve met thousands of members and stayed in over a hundred houses with over a hundred people being accommodated with me in my house. This has given me a fantastic opportunity to learn and share with people all around the world.

Since 2007 I’ve been studying Emotional Intelligence and later NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming. NLP is often used for coaching others to success or adjusting psychology/influence to get positive results. I later went on to study Life Coaching under the ICF (International Coaching Federation) as well to increase my ability to help others and play a great positive role in the communities I’m active in.

Coaching is totally fantastic. The success rates achieved by qualified and experienced coaches are so high. Honestly, I started NLP Coaching in 2012. It wasn’t until I combined that with what I was leaning from the ICF that I really started to see results. .

CoachingICF3

 

In NLP and Coaching, we share a saying:

“Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available.”

I feel that this could be modified to:

“Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they think they have available.”

 

Well now your getting a grip on what Coaching is, you know I and other Coaches often offer some free coaching so logically, your resources have just increased no matter what your circumstances are.

 

Now lets see this in action with an example of some NLP Coaching in Kuala Lumpur with my good friend/client Chen.

Chen doesn’t pay me directly, and originally we were just friends however we created this Mentor-Student-Coaching relationship.

Chen has a strong desire to improve his dating and has read a couple of books about picking up girls, or dating as a polite way to say it. I also read a couple of books about dating and became so good at it, that I ended up with countless girlfriends across Europe/Asia. It’s unbelievable how easy and rewarding dating can be when one has a deep understanding of them selves, others and communication.

Now Chen sees this as an opportunity to ask questions and sort out some of his thoughts. “Is this dating stuff in the books for real? Does it work?”

I’m sitting opposite Chen nodding up and down. “Yes mate, it certainly CAN work. It can be amazing when you figure it out. You can find what you are looking for!”

Chen has one big problem holding him back. (This is pretty good, normally people have much more, or we are just looking at one issue here now):

“I’m Malaysian Chinese man! No girl wants to date me, just look at me,” said Chen.

Chen is an average character, not really good looking but certainly not ugly. He has a non-athletic with Chinese appearance. Chen believes girls don’t find this attractive and this is the reason why he can’t get a date. In fact Chen even told me many Malaysian Indian guys were doing better than him and when he saw them succeeding with girls from his university he got even more stressed. Chen firmly believed that he couldn’t get a date because he is of Chinese appearance .

This is what we call a “Limiting Belief”. Some people think it’s there teeth, their lack of confidence or alpha status. Some think it’s an ability to connect or not knowing what to say.

“I’m Malaysian Chinese man! No girl wants to date me, just look at me.”

 

There are many techniques for changing or blowing  out a Limiting Beliefs. For Chen’s limiting belief I went at it from two angles. Firstly challenging, secondly re-framing. These are the kind of questions I asked:   (Please note, this came from Chen at the time. There not my beliefs!)

  • What’s the problem? – I’m Chinese. Girls don’t want to date Chinese
  • How is that really a problem? – Girls don’t like Chinese.
  • Don’t they? Says Who? – Everyone knows it.
  • Why is that?  – Because Chinese is not good enough and not attractive.
  • Why is that? – Chinese don’t do attractive things. We don’t look masculine or fit.

 

The thing here is that for Chen, he believes that Chinese guys are unattractive. There is nothing actually wrong with him, just his self-image.

Secondly, we worked on re-framing the situation with some NLP techniques and after 30 minutes this is what we got from Chris.

“Ordinary Chinese are not physically attractive to most western women and I can use this to my advantage. Women won’t suspect or see me coming! They can judge me however they want. And if they judge me poorly, I can use it to my advantage! it will be even easier to sweep them off their feet! I can talk to them easily, confidentially and friendly.”

“I’m not really masculine or strong, but I’m not fat. I’m actually pretty healthy.”

“The real reason I haven’t had much success is that I thought I wasn’t good enough. I’m definitely good enough for a great woman and I will concentrate more on reinforcing a better self image!”

 Done. Limiting belief challenged and re-framed positively!

 

Six months later, I went past Malaysia and visited Chen again. He looks like a new man. He put on a few Kilograms of muscle. He had been going to the gym because he has become genuinely interested in his health and fitness. He even had a big thick book with him about Men’s Health and was reading ALL of it. It was fantastic to see his new passion and zest for life.

 

Twelve months later, I passed again and Chen now lives a very healthier lifestyle, attends a weekly Salsa event where he is making himself known for spinning the women around on and off the dance floor. Chen is no longer dating as he has himself a great girlfriend from Finland.

Just a couple of directed, well worded questions helped Chen see things from a new angle which lead to him being a much better person and ultimately finding a dream Girlfriend. It doesn’t always work like out like. Well, it more often does. But be aware, some things are un-coachable. Just hit the contact button and ask away though. Although I’m not spending much time Coaching in Kuala Lumpur these days. I would love to visit Chen and my friends there and well, hey, Malaysia rocks!

 

Now remember, “Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available” or “Everyone is choosing what to do with the resources they think they have available”. So you know you can contact me, and if we were friends before Salamat datang, and even if we weren’t you can still contact me with your questions. If your a person that takes action, now would be a good time.

In addition to this, here is a good article about how to gain more social confidence. Great if your trying to improve your dating life!!

frames of dating

Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating. (If you’re single this is a must read!)

Short read which will dramatically help you boost your dating life just by changing your mindset.

This will take 3 to 15 minutes depending on if you really do the activity and make the decision. Or just 3 minutes if you read it, yet you may not get the results.

 

key frames of dating

  • When I say dating, what comes into your mind?

 

  • What are the first 5 words that you would think of?

 

  • Seriously, do it. What comes to your mind? Write them down.

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________________________________________________

________________________________________________

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If they are words like hard, challenging, annoying, difficult or any words alike, then we have a problem.  The words you just said set your frame or mindset. If you think them, you live them.  If you think dating is hard, it’s not going to become easier. If you think it’s easier, will it be easier?

Possibly. It certainly won’t get any harder!

Makes sense right? Try talking about the general topic of dating with your friends.

Just ask them, “When I say dating what are the first things that come to your head?”

Suggest asking some friends that are successful or enjoy dating, and some that don’t!

 

 

 

3 Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating

Dating is fun.

a)      Be optimistic. – You attract positive experiences when you think of positive things. Having a positive attitude makes one attractive. Nobody wants to be with negative people.

b)     Don’t pressure yourself. – There are a lot of possible partners anywhere; keep trying until you find the one. Don’t quit. You just haven’t found the right person for you yet, and  it’s not because of you.

c)      Lighten Up. – Don’t take dating and finding your “soul mate” too serious.  Dating should be an enjoyable process and not a checklist of do’s and dont’s. Have FUN because dating is fun … it’s supposed to be!

 

Dating is intense.

a)      Fear, anxiousness, relief, laughter, happiness are part of the adventure. We go on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

b)     Intensity & Passion comes naturally.

c)      Just consider that anything you are “intense” about is part of the filtering process for finding the right one.

 

Dating is supposed to be natural.

a)      It’s hard that all of a sudden you are supposed to like and be liked by someone you just met. You know how to make friends right? Apply the same logic to dating, take the pressure off yourself and your date. Start by trying to be their friend.

b)      Dating is not just finding love but meeting new friends.

c)      Dating is a natural way to make new friends and perhaps find a new partner.

d)      Dating is a natural process, we need to do it. It’s probably better if we do more than less of it right?

 

 Dating is fun, dating is intense and dating is natural!

There is a lot more reasoning and science behind this. I’ve kept it short, simple and effective as I value your time. For single men, I have more content in my private collection for mindset strategies/frames, along with techniques and tactics for quick results. Ultimately, getting better with the other sex is through personal development.

 

Have fun with it. Make these three mindset strategies part of your day to day life and dating will become much easier. After all, how are we going to find our soul mate if you won’t give it a try?

 

mural club

Friends coming together to meet, all boys and girls were single….

 

dating1_www.adriancahill.com_

Online Dating Advice from Yves

Through online dating, you can meet a lot of possible partners  while sitting in the comfort of your own home. It is an unbelievable option: as long as you talk in English, you can be in touch with almost the whole globe. And yet when you only speak on your native tongue (if not English), then you can still get to know more people than you can meet at a bar.

I have only tried a little bit of it with no success. So I asked my friend Yves to give my readers and I some better guidelines. Yves was happy to share his thoughts with us on the online dating world.

Online Dating Tips:

  1. Just be yourself. Don’t try to be someone others want you to be. It’s important to have a complete profile. Some people say keeponline dating it simple, I like to give a little more.
  2. Be open with your intentions. If your after fun, let them know.
  3. It’s okay to be discouraged sometimes, but don’t let it get you down for a long time. You’re still a valuable mate for somebody out there. You just need to have the patience to discover that person, whoever and wherever she maybe.
  4. Don’t be anxious to make the first move. If someone’s profile interests you, then say hi or tell her why you liked her profile (emphasize it’s  not because of her looks).
  5. Be patient. Online dating is time-consuming. Do not expect instant results.
  6. Don’t rely completely on online dating. If you’re not being socially active in real life – even if not to meet women – your social skills will get tarnished and your real dates will suffer as a result.
  7. Although it sounds obvious, stay away from girls who asks money or expensive things. There are professionals out there who look interesting but just see you as their next victim.
  8. You have to take advantage every dating tool accessible to you. It doesn’t mean you can’t still meet people in real life; it just means you’re enhancing your options.

 

OK Yves, I have more couple of questions for you. I have tried Online Dating and met a few women. Most of them don’t fit my category. I’m really picky perhaps. I seem to spend a fair amount of time trying and end up on a dinner date with someone I’m not physically attracted to. How do I go about this? They look different in the pictures!

  • Pictures are often Photoshopped. You have to realize that they will never want to put their ugly photos online. They only use what’s the best and show them in good light. So always expect less on their appearance.

  • Another thing is it’s the personality that’s most important.

  • Perhaps if you are picky, you could outline in your profile some of your conditions. Perhaps word it nicely like “I really like to be fit and healthy, if your not practicing a fit and healthy lifestyle….” or “I’m strictly after someone fit and into having a healthy body.”

Thank you for your assistance Yves. As I’m an old fashion “Hi how are you” guy your tips are certainly appreciated. Any feedback from friends is always appreciated. Anyone have any further reading or top 3 tips. Please post back. Cheers and good dating everyone. From Adrian and Yves (special guest writer)

 

Remember, a real partner is one that looks better and better every morning.

dating_www.adriancahill.com_

What women want

Playboy versus Nice Guy?

Playboy versus Nice Guy?

I’ll never forget that Saturday afternoon, 2007, sitting in a beach side bar on the Gold Coast Australia. I was with my cousin and had a great day in the sun. Suddenly this girl came in to the bar and took a seat next to me. She was gorgeous and even started a conversation with me.

I thought I was the luckiest man in the world. She was funny and interesting. I was a little shy but very polite. My cousin is a super funny guy and we all proceeded talking and laughing for a 5-10 happy minutes . 

Next thing you know is this smooth, Playboy type guy came in to the scene. He pretended he knew her and totally cut my cousin and I off from our conversation. Moments later, the Playboy took her to his table to be with his friends.

My cousin and I were left there dumbfounded. Honestly, I doubt he even knew her. In fact later I found out that he didn’t. Pretending to know her was a pick-up line. He used which clearly worked. I hated this Playboy. I watched him frequently with bitterness and spite. I saw him repeatedly approaching and succeeding with women almost every time he entered the bar. 

This event really shook me up. Not just that he did it. The fact that he did it over and over again. I was annoyed, bitter and angry. At the time I was coming out from a 7 year old relationship. I was clearly clueless about talking to women and the whole dating thing. Yet this guy was just walking up to women like it was totally natural to approach and be friend gorgeous strangers.

Being a soldier I was pretty fit, healthy, clean cut and a traditional gentleman. Wasn’t I a good catch for a woman? Isn’t health, manners, stable job, secure future, courtesy, respect, and all the rest more important for a woman than smooth lines from a playboy?

 

nice boys vs. jerks

 

 

Gradually, I became more aware of my self; the dating game and the bigger picture. Luckily I learned how to talk to the opposite sex. Slowly I became more confident, more knowledgeable and even helped others improve their dating.

Recently, I met with some Dating Coaches and PUA who have provided some enlightenment on the topic.

Many Dating Coaches and members of the ‘Pick Up’ community differ with my original ideas.  They say charisma, humor, being busy and challenging are better ways to catch a woman than my nice guy approach.  They say women don’t want a nice guy. They actually want to be challenged and want what they called “an emotional roller coaster ride.”

Well, I was probably the flattest roller coaster in the world. I had no idea about challenging her. Why would I pretend I’m busy and make it hard for her? Charisma, isn’t that a personality trait? You can’t fake that. Being single and dating can be rather stressful to say at least. Now the Dating Coaches tell me I should play hard to get and challenging. That just didn’t make sense.

 

 

Currently, one of my best friends is training young men in the Pick Up game. Initially I was really surprised to find out that guys were paying my mate for lessons on how to pick up chicks! I asked my friend if he was seriously getting paid to do it. He simply asked me how much money I had paid on coaching and making money seminars.

Well, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on my financial education. I guess it has paid off. I made $400USD this morning before getting out of bed. I don’t want to be filthy rich. Just want live life my way. A smarter way. My friend the PUA Coach said that most of his clients don’t want to be playboys, however they want to choose their next partner or help to find their dream partner. That I can relate too.

I’m not sold on teaching guys to be a Playboy. However I am sold on self development. For my friends and clients I recommend a balanced approached to developing all areas of your life. By improving all areas of our life we naturally attract more people. For relationships and dating I most strongly recommend reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

For young Men or Women looking for specific PUA training just Google it. Sure you will find enough.

 

What’s the value of finding the right person for you?

two hearts

Here’s a hot First Date tip all you guys need to know!

I would like to share with you my most recommended first date tip. It’s simple but so needed. If you don’t know it yet, you have to try it. Traditionally, the men ask the women out; however that is so yesterday. In today’s world, women can definitely ask the men out. Read more

Lunch Date

Improve your Dating: Step 2 “Know what is your intent in dating”

Sometimes it helps to get someone else’s opinion when it comes to matters of the heart. So here are some dating tips that I will share with you guys that will surely help you in finding that “The One” in your life.

 

What’s your intent in dating?hand heart

I strongly feel 90% of issues can be addressed by focusing on the purpose or intent.

What is your intent on dating? Are you after a long term relationship?

Are you after the fun?

Are you looking for “the one”?

 

Make sure your frame (thoughts) supports your intent (purpose or goal). Personally, I feel you should also let your intent be known. By letting it be known, you are allowing it to flow into your life more easily, effortlessly and honestly. It’s alright to date for fun, or date to find ‘the one’. Simply let your intent be known.

 

Clarifying what we want and actually writing it down will improve our chances of getting. The simple act of writing it down helps our unconscious and conscious work together in achieving what we want. Just by writing it down we can allow better results to flow into our lives.

 

datingWho do you really want?

Who do you actually want to  date? Please, write out all the things you are looking for in a partner. If this is difficult for you, an alternative is to write out all the things you don’t want in a partner i.e. “I don’t want a partner that smokes.”

And then we can look for a positive re-Frame. ie.

“I don’t want a partner that smokes,” could change into, “I want a partner that cares for their lungs and has good health.”

 

What’s the most important trait you are looking for in a partner?

When we know what we want, we will be happy with ourselves. Hopefully by doing what we love and following our passions we have gotten the opportunity to meet someone that could be the one!

 

OK guys, totally honest, upfront, and direct to you.

 

“I, Adrian Cahill want a partner that enjoys living a healthy lifestyle. Ideally, she will be into or interested in Yoga and running. She must enjoy reading, ideally books that I also enjoy or intellectual books (originally I had read books, and not read crappy magazines). She must be supportive to my dreams and goals”.

 

 

Come on guys, I wrote it out and put it on the WWW. You can write it out too!

Improve your Dating: Step 1 “Love Yourself”

There are many ‘Keys’ to dating, however,  you have to be complete and happy with yourself first. Sounds quite simple ?And yes it is.

Life quotes from Buddha
Once you get your head in the right place (with or without a little coaching), dating will simply be so much easier. These sum it up:healthy mind, healthy body, and healthy heart.

By investing in a healthier lifestyle, you will naturally feel better about your self. A little daily meditation, exercise, socialization, bonding with family and rest are all ways to make your self feel better. Looking after your health and weight better would certainly help you attract the opposite sex, you know you feel so much better about yourself when you’re feeling healthy (here is an article we wrote on losing weight using your mobile phone). This naturally leads to better dating.

A lot of the time when your not having success with something, its easy to feel down or depressed. There is a bad obvious catch here. Feeling down, brings you down, you meet someone and your down!  If your not having success at the moment with say dating, or even your finances, try concentrating on something else for a little bit. Try spending a little time improving another area of your life. Perhaps something as simple as going for a long run, walk, or bike ride. Perhaps spending time with family. Then later come back and tackle the dating or finances again.

I strongly encourage a plan to improve all areas of your life as this leads to better dating.  Love, health, friendships, family, finance are all intertwined.