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Relationship Coaching: For women, and perhaps, men.

Hi there, this article was originally written for my female friends in Shanghai. This is extremely relevant to women and perhaps men everywhere however I wrote it for Shanghai women in particular because this city is simply so dry on available men, and so full of amazing women. We are going to dive deep and fast into one of the biggest problems single people need to face.

What I’m going to share with you could well be one of the biggest keys for successful dating that most coaches without adequate training would easily miss. It looks kind of simple, it sounds kind of simple, it could be simple. Perhaps being aware of it, could be the start of a big change for you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It shows you are already open minded and able to look at things from different angles. It’s important that you keep your mind open as I’m wondering, are you aware of what’s really holding you back?

Go on take a guess. Or pull out the excuse you normally use. And perhaps it’s true. Looking deeper we are all faced with similar fundamental fears.

Deeper down you may be a little bit or perhaps shit scared of being alone. Not being good enough. Perhaps not having children and hitting late 30’s. After coaching many women through this, I’ve picked up a thing or two. These fears are extremely common and the problems are different, but the underlying human behavior is like a code. The code is the secret. Deep down, we are all running on autopilot. Reacting to everything that happens quickly or predictably based on the past rather than based on the future. It’s human nature. But we can all do better.

Now you made the choice to come here, you’re looking for the more success, therefore the next question is….

 

Is there a science to successful dating?

Firstly, to make it really happen for you in the dating and relationships game, you may want to consider learning more about this code. Think, if you could decode your behaviour, or someone elses behaviour, you could do so much more. The self awareness, ability to influence, to capture a heart really expands.

With new self awareness people tend to start to pick up on their fears and this is one of the first places for change to take place.

There needs to a letting go of one or more of the three fundamental fears. Letting go of the fundamental fears is like jumping into the deep end of a pool for the first time.  Do you know what these fundamental fears are?

Any Idea?

Honestly, it’s pretty easy to be told or to read what they are and you will in a minute, however you really need to take it in slowly and on a deep level. This is serious stuff and really connecting to the message will assist you in your journey where ever your are in it!

The biggest thing holding you back is most likely to be one or a blend of these three fundamental fears:

 

  • Fear of not being loved.

OMG. What if no one loves you?

What if you try so hard and end up single.

Will your parents love you if no one else will?

Think about a little dog for a minute. Now the owner ignores the dog for a long time. Or a child.

 

  • Fear of not belonging.

We are human beings. We come from a family.

We have a deep sense of needing to belong. We did for survival.

Humans came out of caves and created societies. There is a fear of getting kicked out or dis owned.

 

  • Fear of not being enough.

Your approaching 30 or 40, your single, what do your parents think of you?

Well your parents probably and should love you. But still we fear not being enough.

Our entire upbringing was a struggle and constant series of developments to be enough.

What if we aren’t good enough?

 

 

I urge you to read them again slowly, and consider how you ‘do’ each fear. Do you ignore it, steam roll over it, or does it affect you a bit more than that?

It’s absolutely normal to have these fears, they are natural.

However they naturally and for some dramatically, hold us back!

Constantly I see men, wanting to approach a pretty woman, but he can’t. If she rejects him, he fears ‘not being loved’, being laughed at or not belonging to his or the greater society circles. The man also has to be concerned, is he good enough.

The same situation applies for women.

 

 

How do you react to these fears and which ones do you relate to most?

If these fears did not resonate with you, think about it from a logical detached point of view (as in, get out of your own head, heart, ego and pride zone).

What would someone that feared not being love do?

What characteristics would they posses?

What kind of things would they do?

Do you know any friends that are like that?

Do you do any of that?

Repeating the procedure, with what would someone that feared not belonging, not belonging to their family, social circle, belonging with others.

How about someone that feared not being enough. Not being enough to others, not being enough to themselves.

What would be the signs of these fears, do you know anyone that clearly has the signs or fear? Do you do any of that?

It’s most likely you do! It is very unlikely you don’t.

 

The true effect:

Think about it. Two people very very similar. One is afraid of not being loved, belonging or not being enough. The other person is aware of their fear, minimized it, and has strategies in place to counter act it. They may even appear or actually become fearless. Who would you rather be with?

Personally I still feel these fears at times. In fact, years ago, I felt them a lot! I learned to how to manage fear and you can too. With or without relationship coaching these fears can be identified in most people.

Courage

How I deal with it:

For me, I found that awareness helped a lot. Now days, I’m much more in tune to my body and emotions. I feel this fear coming on. Generally I see, hear or know something is coming. Or perhaps it’s just a thought in my dead. Then I feel the fear growing and wait, hang on, that’s fear!

Then I ask myself. Why is that feeling there? Where is it coming from? Is it doing me any good? Realistically, looking at myself from a third person perspective, should I, or is there any real purpose in feeling fear. Perhaps its silly, perhaps its acceptable. Most frequently it doesn’t really serve me well and I want to minimize it. So I acknowledge the fear, then work on moving straight through. Moving how? One step after the next. Realizing the fear is silly, laughing at it, re-framing it, or just forcing myself to continue focusing on positive aspects. If you keep focusing on positive aspects, you will keep seeing and feeling those positive aspects. You can do this too!

Short Cut:

Now that you have learned this, you should find yourself with a lot more awareness and options for overcoming challenges. If you really want to overcome fears and challenges. Consider working with a qualified coach or even a new coach in training. If you really want to get the results and begin a new life reach out to me and if I can’t coach you myself, I will happily introduce you to another fantastic coach that can.
Love-yourself-chalk

 

 


Change Happens, Growth is Optional…
Choose Wisely.

Adrian Cahill ACC

Examples of Coaching in Kuala Lumpur

The saying goes, “Learn from those who have done it”. When it comes to Adrian it’s all experience. Being able to leave his full time job and travel for over 4 years before the age of 28 is an accomplishment most people dream of at the age of 58.…   Brian Peters, www.peterspartnership.com.au

 

For those that who don’t know, I’m one of the most experienced Couch Surfers in Australia and China (where I spend half my time). I’ve met thousands of members and stayed in over a hundred houses with over a hundred people being accommodated with me in my house. This has given me a fantastic opportunity to learn and share with people all around the world.

Since 2007 I’ve been studying Emotional Intelligence and later NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming. NLP is often used for coaching others to success or adjusting psychology/influence to get positive results. I later went on to study Life Coaching under the ICF (International Coaching Federation) as well to increase my ability to help others and play a great positive role in the communities I’m active in.

Coaching is totally fantastic. The success rates achieved by qualified and experienced coaches are so high. Honestly, I started NLP Coaching in 2012. It wasn’t until I combined that with what I was leaning from the ICF that I really started to see results. .

CoachingICF3

 

In NLP and Coaching, we share a saying:

“Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available.”

I feel that this could be modified to:

“Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they think they have available.”

 

Well now your getting a grip on what Coaching is, you know I and other Coaches often offer some free coaching so logically, your resources have just increased no matter what your circumstances are.

 

Now lets see this in action with an example of some NLP Coaching in Kuala Lumpur with my good friend/client Chen.

Chen doesn’t pay me directly, and originally we were just friends however we created this Mentor-Student-Coaching relationship.

Chen has a strong desire to improve his dating and has read a couple of books about picking up girls, or dating as a polite way to say it. I also read a couple of books about dating and became so good at it, that I ended up with countless girlfriends across Europe/Asia. It’s unbelievable how easy and rewarding dating can be when one has a deep understanding of them selves, others and communication.

Now Chen sees this as an opportunity to ask questions and sort out some of his thoughts. “Is this dating stuff in the books for real? Does it work?”

I’m sitting opposite Chen nodding up and down. “Yes mate, it certainly CAN work. It can be amazing when you figure it out. You can find what you are looking for!”

Chen has one big problem holding him back. (This is pretty good, normally people have much more, or we are just looking at one issue here now):

“I’m Malaysian Chinese man! No girl wants to date me, just look at me,” said Chen.

Chen is an average character, not really good looking but certainly not ugly. He has a non-athletic with Chinese appearance. Chen believes girls don’t find this attractive and this is the reason why he can’t get a date. In fact Chen even told me many Malaysian Indian guys were doing better than him and when he saw them succeeding with girls from his university he got even more stressed. Chen firmly believed that he couldn’t get a date because he is of Chinese appearance .

This is what we call a “Limiting Belief”. Some people think it’s there teeth, their lack of confidence or alpha status. Some think it’s an ability to connect or not knowing what to say.

“I’m Malaysian Chinese man! No girl wants to date me, just look at me.”

 

There are many techniques for changing or blowing  out a Limiting Beliefs. For Chen’s limiting belief I went at it from two angles. Firstly challenging, secondly re-framing. These are the kind of questions I asked:   (Please note, this came from Chen at the time. There not my beliefs!)

  • What’s the problem? – I’m Chinese. Girls don’t want to date Chinese
  • How is that really a problem? – Girls don’t like Chinese.
  • Don’t they? Says Who? – Everyone knows it.
  • Why is that?  – Because Chinese is not good enough and not attractive.
  • Why is that? – Chinese don’t do attractive things. We don’t look masculine or fit.

 

The thing here is that for Chen, he believes that Chinese guys are unattractive. There is nothing actually wrong with him, just his self-image.

Secondly, we worked on re-framing the situation with some NLP techniques and after 30 minutes this is what we got from Chris.

“Ordinary Chinese are not physically attractive to most western women and I can use this to my advantage. Women won’t suspect or see me coming! They can judge me however they want. And if they judge me poorly, I can use it to my advantage! it will be even easier to sweep them off their feet! I can talk to them easily, confidentially and friendly.”

“I’m not really masculine or strong, but I’m not fat. I’m actually pretty healthy.”

“The real reason I haven’t had much success is that I thought I wasn’t good enough. I’m definitely good enough for a great woman and I will concentrate more on reinforcing a better self image!”

 Done. Limiting belief challenged and re-framed positively!

 

Six months later, I went past Malaysia and visited Chen again. He looks like a new man. He put on a few Kilograms of muscle. He had been going to the gym because he has become genuinely interested in his health and fitness. He even had a big thick book with him about Men’s Health and was reading ALL of it. It was fantastic to see his new passion and zest for life.

 

Twelve months later, I passed again and Chen now lives a very healthier lifestyle, attends a weekly Salsa event where he is making himself known for spinning the women around on and off the dance floor. Chen is no longer dating as he has himself a great girlfriend from Finland.

Just a couple of directed, well worded questions helped Chen see things from a new angle which lead to him being a much better person and ultimately finding a dream Girlfriend. It doesn’t always work like out like. Well, it more often does. But be aware, some things are un-coachable. Just hit the contact button and ask away though. Although I’m not spending much time Coaching in Kuala Lumpur these days. I would love to visit Chen and my friends there and well, hey, Malaysia rocks!

 

Now remember, “Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available” or “Everyone is choosing what to do with the resources they think they have available”. So you know you can contact me, and if we were friends before Salamat datang, and even if we weren’t you can still contact me with your questions. If your a person that takes action, now would be a good time.

In addition to this, here is a good article about how to gain more social confidence. Great if your trying to improve your dating life!!

frames of dating

Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating. (If you’re single this is a must read!)

Short read which will dramatically help you boost your dating life just by changing your mindset.

This will take 3 to 15 minutes depending on if you really do the activity and make the decision. Or just 3 minutes if you read it, yet you may not get the results.

 

key frames of dating

  • When I say dating, what comes into your mind?

 

  • What are the first 5 words that you would think of?

 

  • Seriously, do it. What comes to your mind? Write them down.

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

 

 

If they are words like hard, challenging, annoying, difficult or any words alike, then we have a problem.  The words you just said set your frame or mindset. If you think them, you live them.  If you think dating is hard, it’s not going to become easier. If you think it’s easier, will it be easier?

Possibly. It certainly won’t get any harder!

Makes sense right? Try talking about the general topic of dating with your friends.

Just ask them, “When I say dating what are the first things that come to your head?”

Suggest asking some friends that are successful or enjoy dating, and some that don’t!

 

 

 

3 Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating

Dating is fun.

a)      Be optimistic. – You attract positive experiences when you think of positive things. Having a positive attitude makes one attractive. Nobody wants to be with negative people.

b)     Don’t pressure yourself. – There are a lot of possible partners anywhere; keep trying until you find the one. Don’t quit. You just haven’t found the right person for you yet, and  it’s not because of you.

c)      Lighten Up. – Don’t take dating and finding your “soul mate” too serious.  Dating should be an enjoyable process and not a checklist of do’s and dont’s. Have FUN because dating is fun … it’s supposed to be!

 

Dating is intense.

a)      Fear, anxiousness, relief, laughter, happiness are part of the adventure. We go on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

b)     Intensity & Passion comes naturally.

c)      Just consider that anything you are “intense” about is part of the filtering process for finding the right one.

 

Dating is supposed to be natural.

a)      It’s hard that all of a sudden you are supposed to like and be liked by someone you just met. You know how to make friends right? Apply the same logic to dating, take the pressure off yourself and your date. Start by trying to be their friend.

b)      Dating is not just finding love but meeting new friends.

c)      Dating is a natural way to make new friends and perhaps find a new partner.

d)      Dating is a natural process, we need to do it. It’s probably better if we do more than less of it right?

 

 Dating is fun, dating is intense and dating is natural!

There is a lot more reasoning and science behind this. I’ve kept it short, simple and effective as I value your time. For single men, I have more content in my private collection for mindset strategies/frames, along with techniques and tactics for quick results. Ultimately, getting better with the other sex is through personal development.

 

Have fun with it. Make these three mindset strategies part of your day to day life and dating will become much easier. After all, how are we going to find our soul mate if you won’t give it a try?

 

mural club

Friends coming together to meet, all boys and girls were single….