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WHY COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES

Why you need a Relationship Coach! It’s no longer a choice. Coaching is essential for couples in the 21st Century.

Hi there, Adrian Cahill here. I have performed the role of Relationship Coach in Shanghai for many clients however I’m certified and accredited in the fields of Life Coaching, NLP & Psych-K, not relationship therapy or counselling. I’m experienced enough to have been married, divorced and remarried. Now a happy husband with my 2nd super child on way.

My wife is studying how to be a relationship coach for women in China (or Chinese abroad). Meanwhile, I continue coaching full time expats in China and in many other cities. There are very few full-time relationship coaches in China so I thought important to share this article.

relationship coach shanghaiThere was so much that I learned from my own experience, and then it was multiplied after a few years professionally coaching individuals which time and time again ask for help with their relationships. I learned a lot through having an unsuccessful marriage. Almost losing my second marriage. Becoming a dad. I was coached extensively by one of the most expensive coaches in China. Later I found my self-coaching so many smart single men and women. Coaching parents through the hardships and tough times that are natural when children come along. I’ve personally been to multiple relationship counsellors and my wife is studying from one of the best relationship courses on the planet so I think I know what I’m talking about but I know I could easily be wrong.

I can confidently say, I am still learning, still making mistakes, still surprising myself at what I was saying 12 months ago. You too will find a lot of value in this article but you should enjoy it with a cup of tea or coffee and 10 minutes of peace. Please enjoy.

In this article I’m going to share from a Life Coach or Relationship Coach perspective WHY COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES IN THE 21st CENTURY.

In the past a successful relationship may have been living together and not killing each other. For some, a successful relationship may be like the ones seen in romantic movies. We spend many years being educated to be good employees yet how much time do we spend learning key skills essential to a growing relationship?

Successful relationships are full of learning curves. Preferably smooth but most times it’s jagged and often painful. The less we are ready to learn, the more painful and challenging it will be. If you are already well educated, some kind of expert or find yourself thinking “you don’t know what your talking about, my situation is different” than of course your situation will be incredibly hard to solve by yourself. Hence the saying “You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.” In 95% of conversations I have with smart, intelligent people, their intelligence is one of the biggest obstacles standing in our own way.

For years I stood in my own way. We need to learn how to unlearn.

relationship coach for women in China, relationship coach in chinaWe need to unlearn.

What do you think that means? If you just had a ‘aha’ moment you may have gotten it. If you understand it logically, then maybe you get it logically. And that’s certainly different from true knowledge.

After coaching hundreds of men and women I see a very common trend. It’s so common one may think it a human nature. We think we know best. We think we know the way. We forget that the way we believe is right is just the way it is right with that kind of thinking.

Each person I assisted with relationship challenges has shared with me their beliefs on what a relationship should be. They often describe what I call a “Traditional Relationship”. In this relationship they are living together in peace, but small-medium fights are a natural. Some people describe relationship which is more like a magical never ending honey moon. Occasionally I hear something much more. And that is what I call an “Enlightened Relationship”. However to get there we must first understand and embrace this article.

So each person shares with me their beliefs on hat the relationship should be. In the reality, it’s not being like that and they blame the other person or communication problems or generally something else. But in simple terms, we want this wonderful relationship, we are not getting it.

Often what we say and do is different to what we really want. Events are dictated by circumstances but we have the power to affect the outcome greatly if we control how we react to that circumstance. No matter what the circumstances or events are, how we react is HOW WE REACT. Here is where we can take control or responsibility.

People often express the desire to be great, gracious, peaceful, patient, loving, and caring partners. But in reality most people stray either a little or quite far from what they expressed as their ideal. And then instead of taking control or responsibility for their actions or reactions, it’s easier for our ego to point a finger at someone or something else. This is not a relationship problem. This is a self problem.

WHY COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLESIf you prefer to say it’s a relationship problem or a partner problem. If you want to blame the other person or just say, they are not mature, or whatever, that is ok for now. Either way, here is a more detailed breakdown of:

WHY RELATIONSHIP COACHING OR LIFE COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES.

    1. Average couples act as if there are just 2 people in a relationship. As Bruce Lipton describes it brilliantly in ‘The Honey Moon Effect’ there may be 2 people but after a little time it becomes more like 4. Both partners have a conscious and unconscious mind which plays out vitally different roles. At first we show our partners what we want them to see. We put in extra effort. We show our nice side. Then in time, our more natural unconscious starts to raise it’s head.
    2. The unconscious mind stores long term memory. It remembers how your parents handled challenges. How your parents dealt with problems and the roles they played. Only it remembers events from an incomplete and distorted point of view. Young children firstly have a vastly different angle and awareness. And then the mind captures certain things but it’s impossible to capture everything. Some sticks such as the emotional reaction. The fear when people yelled perhaps. Later in life they marry a Greek or a Chinese person who speak loud and with little awareness their subconscious may start to feel fear.
    3. The unconscious mind is more likely to hold negative memories with emotional charges than positive memories. This is a survival mechanism yet it causes havoc in relationships. Both partners are basically loaded with negative memories which may or may not be deeply suppressed. These may lead to: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, imposter syndrome, low self esteem, and a variety of anxieties or complexes.
    4. It takes time, discipline, and energy to reprogram the unconscious mind. Sometimes it can be sped up by having a good relationship coach, or a transformation coach. Going through some Psych-K or NLP Process. Various forms of meditation. But it still takes work. I help people change beliefs through simple conversation. Through Psych-K one can experience rapid shift in self esteem or release of trauma yet very few are qualified and experienced in this in China or working over Skype. (It can also be hard to explain to your partner that you getting some quiet time to meditate is so important.)
    5. Then let’s say all the above gets sorted out well, then you are really ready for ultimate success. We still need a few more capabilities such as: setting the foundations for each other to grow; how to be patient when something triggers you, how to help your partner support you better, how to listen to your partner without making suggestions or judgements, how to make your partner feel they are the most loved and cherished person on the planet, understanding each other’s ‘Love Languages’.

Relationship Coaches in ChinaI think it’s extremely clear why people are screaming out for Relationship Coaches in China.

And it’s not just China. I know Relationship Coaches in Japan and Korea are basically nonexistent. I’ve seen Dating Coaches for men, but never a Relationship Coach for men. In Australia we have organisations like Relationships Australia or Centre Care which offer relationship counselling. Occasionally there are well-experienced people in these organisations but I’ve coached countless people who have struggled even after months seeing these qualified counsellors.

Coaching support is the forward I feel. My clients are constantly developing themselves. They grow like palm trees on the beach in Hawaii. Every session they are raising their awareness and taking full responsibility for themselves. They are constantly transcending challenges. We may start coaching for a better relationship, and then they get promoted at work. We may coach for career, and then they get a better relationship or more intimate with a partner. The benefits of raising awareness, helping clients transcend challenges and then finding ways forward is what coaching is all about.

It’s not about feeling better, temporarily relieving stress, a magic pill, or worse yet, a prescription for pharmaceutical drugs. It’s about getting the results you really want.

Feel free to reach out. I am happy to listen to your situation. I may offer to coach you on the spot or provide some pathways forward for you. Don’t worry if you are not having the best success with relationships so far, in reality, most people aren’t. But you now have the choice to step up and take control. I often work with people for 3-18 months. It’s common for them to find themselves in Enlightened Relationships after a period of growth. Some clients have gotten engaged within 8 weeks Coaching.

It’s what you want is important feel free TO FILL THE FORM BELOW to share back with me.

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Bonus: The Enlightened Relationship and Esteem Test

I created this myself through my coaching studies and work with clients. You need to be completely honest and ensure you print out and EMAIL yourself a copy. In Emailing yourself, you will also get a follow-up email.

 

Relationship Coaching: For women, and perhaps, men.

Hi there, this article was originally written for my female friends in Shanghai. This is extremely relevant to women and perhaps men everywhere however I wrote it for Shanghai women in particular because this city is simply so dry on available men, and so full of amazing women. We are going to dive deep and fast into one of the biggest problems single people need to face.

What I’m going to share with you could well be one of the biggest keys for successful dating that most coaches without adequate training would easily miss. It looks kind of simple, it sounds kind of simple, it could be simple. Perhaps being aware of it, could be the start of a big change for you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It shows you are already open minded and able to look at things from different angles. It’s important that you keep your mind open as I’m wondering, are you aware of what’s really holding you back?

Go on take a guess. Or pull out the excuse you normally use. And perhaps it’s true. Looking deeper we are all faced with similar fundamental fears.

Deeper down you may be a little bit or perhaps shit scared of being alone. Not being good enough. Perhaps not having children and hitting late 30’s. After coaching many women through this, I’ve picked up a thing or two. These fears are extremely common and the problems are different, but the underlying human behavior is like a code. The code is the secret. Deep down, we are all running on autopilot. Reacting to everything that happens quickly or predictably based on the past rather than based on the future. It’s human nature. But we can all do better.

Now you made the choice to come here, you’re looking for the more success, therefore the next question is….

 

Is there a science to successful dating?

Firstly, to make it really happen for you in the dating and relationships game, you may want to consider learning more about this code. Think, if you could decode your behaviour, or someone elses behaviour, you could do so much more. The self awareness, ability to influence, to capture a heart really expands.

With new self awareness people tend to start to pick up on their fears and this is one of the first places for change to take place.

There needs to a letting go of one or more of the three fundamental fears. Letting go of the fundamental fears is like jumping into the deep end of a pool for the first time.  Do you know what these fundamental fears are?

Any Idea?

Honestly, it’s pretty easy to be told or to read what they are and you will in a minute, however you really need to take it in slowly and on a deep level. This is serious stuff and really connecting to the message will assist you in your journey where ever your are in it!

The biggest thing holding you back is most likely to be one or a blend of these three fundamental fears:

 

  • Fear of not being loved.

OMG. What if no one loves you?

What if you try so hard and end up single.

Will your parents love you if no one else will?

Think about a little dog for a minute. Now the owner ignores the dog for a long time. Or a child.

 

  • Fear of not belonging.

We are human beings. We come from a family.

We have a deep sense of needing to belong. We did for survival.

Humans came out of caves and created societies. There is a fear of getting kicked out or dis owned.

 

  • Fear of not being enough.

Your approaching 30 or 40, your single, what do your parents think of you?

Well your parents probably and should love you. But still we fear not being enough.

Our entire upbringing was a struggle and constant series of developments to be enough.

What if we aren’t good enough?

 

 

I urge you to read them again slowly, and consider how you ‘do’ each fear. Do you ignore it, steam roll over it, or does it affect you a bit more than that?

It’s absolutely normal to have these fears, they are natural.

However they naturally and for some dramatically, hold us back!

Constantly I see men, wanting to approach a pretty woman, but he can’t. If she rejects him, he fears ‘not being loved’, being laughed at or not belonging to his or the greater society circles. The man also has to be concerned, is he good enough.

The same situation applies for women.

 

 

How do you react to these fears and which ones do you relate to most?

If these fears did not resonate with you, think about it from a logical detached point of view (as in, get out of your own head, heart, ego and pride zone).

What would someone that feared not being love do?

What characteristics would they posses?

What kind of things would they do?

Do you know any friends that are like that?

Do you do any of that?

Repeating the procedure, with what would someone that feared not belonging, not belonging to their family, social circle, belonging with others.

How about someone that feared not being enough. Not being enough to others, not being enough to themselves.

What would be the signs of these fears, do you know anyone that clearly has the signs or fear? Do you do any of that?

It’s most likely you do! It is very unlikely you don’t.

 

The true effect:

Think about it. Two people very very similar. One is afraid of not being loved, belonging or not being enough. The other person is aware of their fear, minimized it, and has strategies in place to counter act it. They may even appear or actually become fearless. Who would you rather be with?

Personally I still feel these fears at times. In fact, years ago, I felt them a lot! I learned to how to manage fear and you can too. With or without relationship coaching these fears can be identified in most people.

Courage

How I deal with it:

For me, I found that awareness helped a lot. Now days, I’m much more in tune to my body and emotions. I feel this fear coming on. Generally I see, hear or know something is coming. Or perhaps it’s just a thought in my dead. Then I feel the fear growing and wait, hang on, that’s fear!

Then I ask myself. Why is that feeling there? Where is it coming from? Is it doing me any good? Realistically, looking at myself from a third person perspective, should I, or is there any real purpose in feeling fear. Perhaps its silly, perhaps its acceptable. Most frequently it doesn’t really serve me well and I want to minimize it. So I acknowledge the fear, then work on moving straight through. Moving how? One step after the next. Realizing the fear is silly, laughing at it, re-framing it, or just forcing myself to continue focusing on positive aspects. If you keep focusing on positive aspects, you will keep seeing and feeling those positive aspects. You can do this too!

Short Cut:

Now that you have learned this, you should find yourself with a lot more awareness and options for overcoming challenges. If you really want to overcome fears and challenges. Consider working with a qualified coach or even a new coach in training. If you really want to get the results and begin a new life reach out to me and if I can’t coach you myself, I will happily introduce you to another fantastic coach that can.
Love-yourself-chalk

 

 


Change Happens, Growth is Optional…
Choose Wisely.

Adrian Cahill ACC

frames of dating

Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating. (If you’re single this is a must read!)

Short read which will dramatically help you boost your dating life just by changing your mindset.

This will take 3 to 15 minutes depending on if you really do the activity and make the decision. Or just 3 minutes if you read it, yet you may not get the results.

 

key frames of dating

  • When I say dating, what comes into your mind?

 

  • What are the first 5 words that you would think of?

 

  • Seriously, do it. What comes to your mind? Write them down.

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

 

 

If they are words like hard, challenging, annoying, difficult or any words alike, then we have a problem.  The words you just said set your frame or mindset. If you think them, you live them.  If you think dating is hard, it’s not going to become easier. If you think it’s easier, will it be easier?

Possibly. It certainly won’t get any harder!

Makes sense right? Try talking about the general topic of dating with your friends.

Just ask them, “When I say dating what are the first things that come to your head?”

Suggest asking some friends that are successful or enjoy dating, and some that don’t!

 

 

 

3 Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating

Dating is fun.

a)      Be optimistic. – You attract positive experiences when you think of positive things. Having a positive attitude makes one attractive. Nobody wants to be with negative people.

b)     Don’t pressure yourself. – There are a lot of possible partners anywhere; keep trying until you find the one. Don’t quit. You just haven’t found the right person for you yet, and  it’s not because of you.

c)      Lighten Up. – Don’t take dating and finding your “soul mate” too serious.  Dating should be an enjoyable process and not a checklist of do’s and dont’s. Have FUN because dating is fun … it’s supposed to be!

 

Dating is intense.

a)      Fear, anxiousness, relief, laughter, happiness are part of the adventure. We go on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

b)     Intensity & Passion comes naturally.

c)      Just consider that anything you are “intense” about is part of the filtering process for finding the right one.

 

Dating is supposed to be natural.

a)      It’s hard that all of a sudden you are supposed to like and be liked by someone you just met. You know how to make friends right? Apply the same logic to dating, take the pressure off yourself and your date. Start by trying to be their friend.

b)      Dating is not just finding love but meeting new friends.

c)      Dating is a natural way to make new friends and perhaps find a new partner.

d)      Dating is a natural process, we need to do it. It’s probably better if we do more than less of it right?

 

 Dating is fun, dating is intense and dating is natural!

There is a lot more reasoning and science behind this. I’ve kept it short, simple and effective as I value your time. For single men, I have more content in my private collection for mindset strategies/frames, along with techniques and tactics for quick results. Ultimately, getting better with the other sex is through personal development.

 

Have fun with it. Make these three mindset strategies part of your day to day life and dating will become much easier. After all, how are we going to find our soul mate if you won’t give it a try?

 

mural club

Friends coming together to meet, all boys and girls were single….