NVC China: Coaching lessons to communicate and get what you really want
My first experience with Non-Violent Communication was through an Executive Coach I had hired to assist me with balancing some stressful issues I was handling. I hired this Coach as I was really curious what it could do for me and one of the biggest things I learned is that I was communicating rather ‘roughly’ or not seeing ‘eye to eye’ with some people in my life. Anyhow, I got through the situation, got a positive result but knew there was still more to go. A year or two later I watched the Coach deliver a workshop on NVC. Later getting some books and audio programmes to deepen my learnings. Here are my translations and short form of the topic.
Non Violent Communication is a style or process for enhanced emotional savvy communication. It was developed by the psychologist Marshall Rosenberg and I’m going to give you the core of it with some examples of how it radically improved my life very quickly.
The very first big learning point for me was that we don’t express what we want really well. If you’re not getting the results you want in your life, you may need coaching or training, but you also may need to simply be very clear and precise with what you want. Men and women seem to do a very poor job expressing what they want and easily get carried away by their ego and reactive behavior.
A woman telling her partner, “You never listen to me” is clearly not expressing what she wants and she probably hasn’t been. At the point where she may want him to understand how she is feeling and maybe want some compassion or validation of her feelings. She may be frustrated, sad or fearful yet the statement and conversation have almost nothing to do with what she really wants.
That leads to the second big learning point (which may be obvious already). Whenever an individual or couple is caught in reaction or reactivity mode it is a downhill slide. When they are reacting to what each other is saying like an automatic behavior rather than thinking clearly and being able to express one’s needs they have lost track of what they really want and have gone on autopilot crashing down! It’s ugly yet so common.
I wrote a wonderful article about to reducing reactivity here. You may find a lot of value in that too. NVC highlighted that we are all probably poorly trained to communicate our needs. And sure you can agree, we are all probably untrained in taming our ego!! (Unless we have had extensive coaching/training/psychotherapy)
A third learning point is a lot of our untrained communication, and much of our communication when we are emotionally hijacked (re-acting) is ‘violent’.
- Moralistic judgments implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses are all said to be forms of judgment.
- Demands that implicitly or explicitly threaten listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
- Denial of responsibility (there are some things we need to be responsible for, and some we don’t).
- Making comparisons between people.
That’s 3 big learning points down and we are about to get into the NVC Process. In my experience, even just the basics or a couple of focused sessions with an experienced assistant/Coach/NVC expert can help you a lot. Do feel free to re-write this in your own words or perhaps in ‘bullet’ point form the violent language and reflect on it regularly to see how you may be communicating violently without your awareness.
Moving forward we have the NVC process itself.
The Four Key Steps
“When _(observation)__, I feel ___, because I am needing ___. Therefore, I would now like __(request)__.”
Specific observations – what we are sensing: sight, sound, touch
When you said… When I saw you sitting there… When I saw you on your phone yesterday while I was talking to you about……
The observation needs to be free from evaluation otherwise it can be received as criticism. You know it’s evaluating if it’s mixed with: Always, never, ever, whenever, frequently, seldom, that’s bad/good/right/wrong.
2. Feelings, Clear expression: “I feel (emotion)”
The clearer the better. And ensure it is a feeling. I feel that you don’t love me, I feel like I’m not good enough, I feel you don’t ….ANYTHING….. is not a feeling.
We also need to take responsibility for our feelings and this can be hard. We often blame or simply believe it is the actions of others that cause us to feel certain ways. For example, You are on the train, it’s a bit crowded and you ask someone politely to move and he doesn’t acknowledge or make any effort to move, so you think he must be rude and you barge past him. Well, it’s ok to think he is rude, and you probably blame him. However, it’s not because of him. It’s because we think or believe he should have moved. What if he was deaf?…..
Other people, other actions may be a stimulus, but it is not the cause of our feelings.
Ok. Getting a firm grip on the above will set you miles in front. Just those 2 of 4 processes is a huge amount of potential. I’ll continue with the next 2.
3. Needs
We often confuse wants with needs. I want a private jet. I want career security. I want my property paid off. But what I really need is to feel safe. Often our needs a not clear. We may not even realize we need something until it is absent. Often I will be coaching someone and when we clarify their needs there is a big sense of release. Clarifying our needs (or unmet needs) is another step which rewards us for doing so, and really makes it easier for the listener to gain a deeper understanding of us.
Basic human needs (defined by the author):
- Physical Nurturance: food, exercise, rest, sex, shelter, touch, protection
- Autonomy: to choose one’s goals, values, plans
- Integrity: authenticity, creativity, self-worth
- Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, community, enriching life, safety, empathy, honesty, love, respect, support, trust, understanding
- Play: fun, laughter
- Spiritual Communion: peace, harmony, beauty
- Celebration: the creation of life and goals fulfilled, celebrate loss through mourning
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
Our unmet needs often come out as or lead to judgments, criticism, defensiveness. For example, “I feel sad because I think you haven’t listened to me”. The receiver of this may hear they are to blame. The receiver of this may feel shamed or attacked leading to further judgments and defensiveness. The original speaker could expand using NVC with a statement more like “I feel sad because I really want to feel understood and I think you don’t understand how I’m really feeling”. This is more likely to leave the receiver thinking and wondering how you’re really feeling, or how to give you the feelings you want.
Other examples: “I feel sad because I want to choose my own goals and ….”
“I feel frustrated when ..Observation… Because my need for …….. is …..”
4. Request what we want, not what we don’t want
This what I commonly see in clients when they are stressed or having a challenging relationship. Quite often I may be hired for career or business goals but when someone is having challenging relationships at home, it affects all areas of our life. So when I hear a client talking about being unsupported by their loved ones, I’ll often shift the conversation to focus on what they really want. It is amazing how often they want to continue talking about the other people not supporting or criticizing. Most of the time I suspect this is the ego talking. The Ego makes judgments. The Ego criticizes and judges. Once getting settled or grounded one can regain focus on what they really want. So do be careful, if reacting or in a heated argument, chances are very high, you have already lost focus on what you really want.
- Calm down. If a potentially stressful conversation is approaching, clarify and even write down what you want to help you stick to it.
- Negative requests can cause confusion and resistance.
- Make requests for short, clear, precise, specific actions
- Avoid vague, abstract, ambiguous phrasing
- Vague language attracts vague results
You can ask the listener to reflect back the all or part of the message in their own words. If doing this
- Express appreciation, for example, “I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard.”
- Don’t chastise them for getting it wrong, for example, “I didn’t make myself as clear as I would have liked, let me try again.”
- Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back, for example, “It’s ok that you don’t want to reflect it back, thank you for listening still”
Beyond the NVC 4 Step Process
After we’ve expressed ourselves, perhaps we should shift focus to them. We may want to know:
- What the listener is feeling
- What the listener is thinking, specify what thoughts we want them to share
- Whether the listener is willing to take a particular action
- Whether the listener knows everything they need to do it
- That the listener takes it as a request, not a demand. NVC was not designed for making demands. NVC is more focused on creating win-win, compassion, empathy, successful communication to lead to more successful relationships. Requests without feelings/needs can sound like demands
Requests are received as demands when they think they will be blamed/punished/shamed for non-compliance
- Two options with demands: submit or resist
- The more we make demands the less healthy the relationship (even with children)
- As the speaker or request maker, do not interpret non-compliance of your needs or request as a rejection
- Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally and deepens the relationship
The person that you need to empathy with right now is you. We require empathy for ourselves in order to give it to others. We may also need it so we can calm down, cool off and focus on what we really want again. It’s important to note that when our hearts are beating fast, and we can feel the energy in our hands there is simply less blood and ability for clarity in our minds. This is known as the ‘fight or flight response’ and our Immune system has also switched off so it’s important to consider completely removing ourselves from the environment to cool off. (Music, smells, touches like stroking a dog or self-massage, can help accelerate the cooling off process)
After we’ve expressed ourselves, perhaps we should shift focus to them. We may want to know:
- What the listener is feeling
- What the listener is thinking, specify what thoughts we want them to share
- Whether the listener is willing to take a particular action
- Whether the listener knows everything they need to do it
- That the listener takes it as a request, not a demand. NVC was not designed for making demands. NVC is more focused on creating win-win, compassion, empathy, successful communication to lead to more successful relationships. Requests without feelings/needs can sound like demands
Requests are received as demands when they think they will be blamed/punished/shamed for non-compliance
- Two options with demands: submit or resist
- The more we make demands the less healthy the relationship (even with children)
- As the speaker or request maker, do not interpret non-compliance of your needs or request as a rejection
- Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally and deepens the relationship
The person that you need to empathy with right now is you. We require empathy for ourselves in order to give it to others. We may also need it so we can calm down, cool off and focus on what we really want again. It’s important to note that when our hearts are beating fast, and we can feel the energy in our hands there is simply less blood and ability for clarity in our minds. This is known as the ‘fight or flight response’ and our Immune system has also switched off so it’s important to consider completely removing ourselves from the environment to cool off. (Music, smells, touches like stroking a dog or self-massage, can help accelerate the cooling off process)
NVC’s most important application, Self-empathy!
We all learned limiting beliefs. (In fact all beliefs are limiting as that is there nature). NVC allows us to expand our awareness of our beliefs and therefore take ownership of them. As we start to practice NVC be aware:
- Critical self-concepts like I’m not good enough or good at ….. is severely limiting our potential. Whether one can or can’t, believing one can’t only makes succeeding more unlikely.
- Motivation is often split into two categories. Towards and Away. Towards pleasure, Away from pain. Away is most common in my opinion and more powerful due to biological reasons. Away includes shame and fear. We can motivate others and self with either types of motivation but Away only last till we are far enough away.
- When motivated by fear/guilt/shame/hatred, our actions do not come from the natural place of love/play/joy.
- Negative motivations include:
- Extrinsic reward: money, approval
- Escape punishment
- Avoid shame
- Avoid guilt
- Sense of duty
Steps to attain self-empathy
- Recognize self-judgment and focus on the underlying needs
- First ask what needs lie behind the judgment
- Then ask what needs lie behind the judged action
- By focusing on our needs, we will naturally begin to figure out ways to meet them
Developing Emotional Intimacy. (EQ was brought to the forefront of media from a scientific, statistical view point, with technical descriptions of brain anatomy. Emotional Intimacy is deepening EQ through understanding the emotional world. I am wildly passionate about developing EQ through Emotional Intimacy as I’ve gotten into both worlds and have seen clients transform in sessions after understanding their emotions but have never seen a transformation after someone understands the amygdala.
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