In this article, we are going to cover what is and how to create an Enlightened Relationship.
The traditional “Til Death Do Us Part” and “They Lived Happily Ever After” are falling away as evidenced by the growing divorce rates in almost every country around the world. Recently I travelled to Bali, Singapore, Shanghai and in every city I heard single people complain about not being able to find the one, or not wanting to date. I also met a lot of couples who seemed to be in the common stage of living together but perhaps because of convenience or fear of the unknown rather than together for love. So I think it’s kind of official that Failed relationships are the new norm and that SUCKS. I’m going to share here not just hope, but a deeper description of an Enlightened Relationship and how to move towards creating one rather than repeating the same old same old.
What is an Enlightened Relationship?
There are multiple stages and states in relationships. Stages are like levels, states are temporary. Sometimes states go on too long and seem like levels. The ‘Honey Moon Effect’ or ‘Puppy Love’ could be viewed as a state or a stage. Either way, what if a Traditional Relationship was also a stage? Divorce another stage? Enlightened Relationship is the stage I want you to get to.
So the Enlightened Relationship is a stage where most relationships don’t get to and if your anything like me, or most people I’ve worked with over the past decade, a lot of our parents weren’t there either. Relationships deserve an overhaul. Most of us are destined to stay at low stages of development but thank god you are here reading this now! If you have read a single article or blog of mine, then you already know I love transforming lives I hope you can be next.
How to go beyond the Honey Moon Effect, and beyond a Traditional relationship?
Personal development is the name of the game and when people transcend their lives, they transform not only their lives but the lives of those around them as well. So please do this for you, and for all those around you! The big secret isn’t such a secret. It’s in developing your self. See most people in the lower stages of relationships are at a level of blame. I’ll explain the level there. A second problem is priorities. Another is a lack of quality knowledge. And lastly presence, or BEing. Being the person. Rather than not finding the one, stepping up and BEing the One.
Victim to Trancendance:
Level 1. Victim. Blaming others. The outside world is at fault.
Level 2. Responsibility. I’m at fault. I have to go out there and try.
Level 3. In the flow. Enjoying life.
Level 4. Transcendence. Oneness.
Most of our society is at Level 1 or 2. Seeking to get into 3 occasionally 4. Level 4 is pretty rare and it’s more like a temporary state unless you are a monk.
As a Coach I’m having a few deep conversations every day. Typically when my clients (or myself for that matter) are having problems in our relationship, we often go straight to Level 1. Blame! But I remind my clients, to step up, step into Level 2. And then step into Level 3. Another great example of this is to listen to anyone going through a breakup or divorce. A lot of divorcees will spend years at each level. On the upside, when they ‘let go’ enough they start to really enjoy each new level.
So in your relationship, which level are you at? Want to move up?
Exit Level 1 by letting go of blame and accepting personal responsibility.
Exit Level 2 by letting go of control and embracing uncertainty.
Exit Level 3 by letting go of duality. (Advanced stuff not covered here)
Many 30year olds in China find that dating and relationships are a struggle. In Australia, it’s very common too but the priorities are so different. Very very rough here but look, most of us grow up as a member of a family with mum and dad. Or grandparents. Their belief system affects ours. People have a different order of priorities. Education, Career, Money, Family, Fun, Health, Spirituality, etc. I know very very few people who have a very high priority for LEARNING how to have successful relationships. Yet I met a lot of people with a very high priority for finding the one. Or for dating. Or being social. Or working hard to get an apartment/job/title, and then I’ll get married and have kids.
Remember Education is a business. Businesses funded by the government, or shareholders, often both. Yet few educational institutions teach EQ or relationship skills. I’ve never heard of a school teaching the models featured in my articles. Yet self-learning, self-directed learning could be a priority. I launched MOTIVATE Shanghai in 2012 and we have had over 200 events where people come and learn all kinds of things from communications, NLP, coaching, relationships……
Before expecting to magically have a wonderful relationship, put some time into learning how to create one!!!
Hire me! or Ask me for directions to cheaper solutions if you’re on a budget. Skip Youtube and Social Media. Look for books that are 10+years old. A great indicator is books that become classics. Kahlil Gibran, Rumi are just as relevant today as ever. John Gottman and John Gray are good in my opinion, however as men, they are not very masculine. Masculinity attracts Femininity. Vica Versa. Even in gay relationships, one partner plays the other energy. Learning to understand this energy is valuable. Gary Chapman, 5 Love Languages. Insightful.
Learning to understand self is priceless
Remember the levels from Victim to Transcendence. Going up the levels requires letting go of the past levels. Being really mindful and IN ONESELF, present with oneself will lead to letting go of blame, maybe even letting go of level 2 or 3.
I feel a real presence, mindfulness is real strength/compassion for both men and women. It’s not for the fake brave. Not for the go-getters that are so busy go-getting, they don’t have time to confront their own stuff. This surface-level presence, or surface-level mindfulness, can lead to some benefits, but those benefits are more in line with the lower level needs. Going really deep with your self, fully aware of yourself often leads to new awarenesses and insights. Some writers/psych people talk about shadow work or a dark side. This shadow work is really powerful with our own personal development and is then reflected in leaps and bounds in our relationships.
See a lot of us live our lives chasing more and more material wealth believing that when we have enough material wealth, then we will be happy or suddenly be fulfilled. It’s a false life based on the Ego. But it sells. Just like the Mindfulness Teacher on Social Media telling everyone how mindful he is.
To enter the Enlightened Relationship we need to move towards our own enlightenment while accommodating and supporting our partner in theirs. We must find ourselves in our own ways.
Now we have covered the problems, the process is pretty clear. Some points are refreshed here in a different light and some may be new.
To be in an Enlightened Relationship starts with 3 requirements:
1. It takes 2 conscious beings, in other words, a couple that has both transcended or have been exposed to their true selves. Both are willing to be 100% accountable for themselves and their relationship. Not just 50% or sharing responsibility. Both take full accountability. David Hawkins sums it up brilliantly: “By taking the responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that ‘nothing out there has power over you.’ It isn’t life’s events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one’s life, whether they’re experienced as an opportunity or as stress.”
2. You have to know and work on yourself. For you to own yourself and speak your truth about whatever comes up for you in honesty and authenticity. This begins by working on your shadow, your fears, and your dark side. You need to accept the traits you don’t like, or that may not seem positive as all traits contribute to the whole. When we do this ourselves, the relationship changes in our eyes. As this happens it makes space for external changes. Change becomes more easily and natural.
3. Recognise that it’s not natural to be right so often. As babies and children we learn through making mistakes, not by avoiding them. Yet perhaps school or ego, doesn’t seem to appreciate this. As we get older perhaps we get conditioned to strive to be right, rather than happy!
We must let go of our attachment with being right. This goes further. You have to let go of your expectations as to how the relationship should look, how the other should be, or how you should feel and be ok with letting go. Letting go, surrendering, loosing are often portrayed as negative things we should avoid. Could you imagine playing a game of cards if you never lost? Now would you enjoy playing with someone who never or couldn’t handle losing? Losing is an essential part of life. Hence my comment about Ice Cream on Pooh and the motivational world. We have to be negative at times in order to be positive at times. We need bad to know what good is. Being wrong is vital and if you can focus on being wrong, “being ok with being wrong” then being ok with the unknown suddenly becomes a lot easier.
Would you like to assess where you are or develop more?
I created this myself through my coaching studies and work with clients. You need to be completely honest. Please EMAIL yourself a copy and one will be saved in the system. If you ask for a consultation session, this will help greatly.
For those interested in relationship coaching, couples coaching and counselling. Please feel free to reach out for a consultation, even if I’m not the one, I can point you in the right direction perhaps. My wife is studying with The Gottman Institute. They are one of the world leaders in understanding and developing relationships. Lin is already creating success stories and very capable.
So the best starting point is having a discussion with me over Skype or Phone and I’ll happily recommend or help you find something in your budget and time frame, to your particular style. Schedule a free chat with me here Free call to Adrian.
Have a great day. Talk soon.
What is an Enlightened Relationship, by Adrian Cahill