Hi there, Adrian Cahill here. I have performed the role of Relationship Coach in Shanghai for many clients however I’m certified and accredited in the fields of Life Coaching, NLP & Psych-K, not relationship therapy or counselling. I’m experienced enough to have been married, divorced and remarried. Now a happy husband with my 2nd super child on way.
My wife is studying how to be a relationship coach for women in China (or Chinese abroad). Meanwhile, I continue coaching full time expats in China and in many other cities. There are very few full-time relationship coaches in China so I thought important to share this article.
There was so much that I learned from my own experience, and then it was multiplied after a few years professionally coaching individuals which time and time again ask for help with their relationships. I learned a lot through having an unsuccessful marriage. Almost losing my second marriage. Becoming a dad. I was coached extensively by one of the most expensive coaches in China. Later I found my self-coaching so many smart single men and women. Coaching parents through the hardships and tough times that are natural when children come along. I’ve personally been to multiple relationship counsellors and my wife is studying from one of the best relationship courses on the planet so I think I know what I’m talking about but I know I could easily be wrong.
I can confidently say, I am still learning, still making mistakes, still surprising myself at what I was saying 12 months ago. You too will find a lot of value in this article but you should enjoy it with a cup of tea or coffee and 10 minutes of peace. Please enjoy.
In this article I’m going to share from a Life Coach or Relationship Coach perspective WHY COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES IN THE 21st CENTURY.
In the past a successful relationship may have been living together and not killing each other. For some, a successful relationship may be like the ones seen in romantic movies. We spend many years being educated to be good employees yet how much time do we spend learning key skills essential to a growing relationship?
Successful relationships are full of learning curves. Preferably smooth but most times it’s jagged and often painful. The less we are ready to learn, the more painful and challenging it will be. If you are already well educated, some kind of expert or find yourself thinking “you don’t know what your talking about, my situation is different” than of course your situation will be incredibly hard to solve by yourself. Hence the saying “You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.” In 95% of conversations I have with smart, intelligent people, their intelligence is one of the biggest obstacles standing in our own way.
For years I stood in my own way. We need to learn how to unlearn.
We need to unlearn.
What do you think that means? If you just had a ‘aha’ moment you may have gotten it. If you understand it logically, then maybe you get it logically. And that’s certainly different from true knowledge.
After coaching hundreds of men and women I see a very common trend. It’s so common one may think it a human nature. We think we know best. We think we know the way. We forget that the way we believe is right is just the way it is right with that kind of thinking.
Each person I assisted with relationship challenges has shared with me their beliefs on what a relationship should be. They often describe what I call a “Traditional Relationship”. In this relationship they are living together in peace, but small-medium fights are a natural. Some people describe relationship which is more like a magical never ending honey moon. Occasionally I hear something much more. And that is what I call an “Enlightened Relationship”. However to get there we must first understand and embrace this article.
So each person shares with me their beliefs on hat the relationship should be. In the reality, it’s not being like that and they blame the other person or communication problems or generally something else. But in simple terms, we want this wonderful relationship, we are not getting it.
Often what we say and do is different to what we really want. Events are dictated by circumstances but we have the power to affect the outcome greatly if we control how we react to that circumstance. No matter what the circumstances or events are, how we react is HOW WE REACT. Here is where we can take control or responsibility.
People often express the desire to be great, gracious, peaceful, patient, loving, and caring partners. But in reality most people stray either a little or quite far from what they expressed as their ideal. And then instead of taking control or responsibility for their actions or reactions, it’s easier for our ego to point a finger at someone or something else. This is not a relationship problem. This is a self problem.
If you prefer to say it’s a relationship problem or a partner problem. If you want to blame the other person or just say, they are not mature, or whatever, that is ok for now. Either way, here is a more detailed breakdown of:
WHY RELATIONSHIP COACHING OR LIFE COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES.
- Average couples act as if there are just 2 people in a relationship. As Bruce Lipton describes it brilliantly in ‘The Honey Moon Effect’ there may be 2 people but after a little time it becomes more like 4. Both partners have a conscious and unconscious mind which plays out vitally different roles. At first we show our partners what we want them to see. We put in extra effort. We show our nice side. Then in time, our more natural unconscious starts to raise it’s head.
- The unconscious mind stores long term memory. It remembers how your parents handled challenges. How your parents dealt with problems and the roles they played. Only it remembers events from an incomplete and distorted point of view. Young children firstly have a vastly different angle and awareness. And then the mind captures certain things but it’s impossible to capture everything. Some sticks such as the emotional reaction. The fear when people yelled perhaps. Later in life they marry a Greek or a Chinese person who speak loud and with little awareness their subconscious may start to feel fear.
- The unconscious mind is more likely to hold negative memories with emotional charges than positive memories. This is a survival mechanism yet it causes havoc in relationships. Both partners are basically loaded with negative memories which may or may not be deeply suppressed. These may lead to: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, imposter syndrome, low self esteem, and a variety of anxieties or complexes.
- It takes time, discipline, and energy to reprogram the unconscious mind. Sometimes it can be sped up by having a good relationship coach, or a transformation coach. Going through some Psych-K or NLP Process. Various forms of meditation. But it still takes work. I help people change beliefs through simple conversation. Through Psych-K one can experience rapid shift in self esteem or release of trauma yet very few are qualified and experienced in this in China or working over Skype. (It can also be hard to explain to your partner that you getting some quiet time to meditate is so important.)
- Then let’s say all the above gets sorted out well, then you are really ready for ultimate success. We still need a few more capabilities such as: setting the foundations for each other to grow; how to be patient when something triggers you, how to help your partner support you better, how to listen to your partner without making suggestions or judgements, how to make your partner feel they are the most loved and cherished person on the planet, understanding each other’s ‘Love Languages’.
I think it’s extremely clear why people are screaming out for Relationship Coaches in China.
And it’s not just China. I know Relationship Coaches in Japan and Korea are basically nonexistent. I’ve seen Dating Coaches for men, but never a Relationship Coach for men. In Australia we have organisations like Relationships Australia or Centre Care which offer relationship counselling. Occasionally there are well-experienced people in these organisations but I’ve coached countless people who have struggled even after months seeing these qualified counsellors.
Coaching support is the forward I feel. My clients are constantly developing themselves. They grow like palm trees on the beach in Hawaii. Every session they are raising their awareness and taking full responsibility for themselves. They are constantly transcending challenges. We may start coaching for a better relationship, and then they get promoted at work. We may coach for career, and then they get a better relationship or more intimate with a partner. The benefits of raising awareness, helping clients transcend challenges and then finding ways forward is what coaching is all about.
It’s not about feeling better, temporarily relieving stress, a magic pill, or worse yet, a prescription for pharmaceutical drugs. It’s about getting the results you really want.
Feel free to reach out. I am happy to listen to your situation. I may offer to coach you on the spot or provide some pathways forward for you. Don’t worry if you are not having the best success with relationships so far, in reality, most people aren’t. But you now have the choice to step up and take control. I often work with people for 3-18 months. It’s common for them to find themselves in Enlightened Relationships after a period of growth. Some clients have gotten engaged within 8 weeks Coaching.
It’s what you want is important feel free TO FILL THE FORM BELOW to share back with me.
I created this myself through my coaching studies and work with clients. You need to be completely honest and ensure you print out and EMAIL yourself a copy. In Emailing yourself, you will also get a follow-up email.