The saying goes, “Learn from those who have done it”. When it comes to Adrian it’s all experience. Being able to leave his full time job and travel for over 4 years before the age of 28 is an accomplishment most people dream of at the age of 58.… Brian Peters, www.peterspartnership.com.au
For those that who don’t know, I’m one of the most experienced Couch Surfers in Australia and China (where I spend half my time). I’ve met thousands of members and stayed in over a hundred houses with over a hundred people being accommodated with me in my house. This has given me a fantastic opportunity to learn and share with people all around the world.
Since 2007 I’ve been studying Emotional Intelligence and later NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming. NLP is often used for coaching others to success or adjusting psychology/influence to get positive results. I later went on to study Life Coaching under the ICF (International Coaching Federation) as well to increase my ability to help others and play a great positive role in the communities I’m active in.
Coaching is totally fantastic. The success rates achieved by qualified and experienced coaches are so high. Honestly, I started NLP Coaching in 2012. It wasn’t until I combined that with what I was leaning from the ICF that I really started to see results. .
In NLP and Coaching, we share a saying:
“Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available.”
I feel that this could be modified to:
“Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they think they have available.”
Well now your getting a grip on what Coaching is, you know I and other Coaches often offer some free coaching so logically, your resources have just increased no matter what your circumstances are.
Now lets see this in action with an example of some NLP Coaching in Kuala Lumpur with my good friend/client Chen.
Chen doesn’t pay me directly, and originally we were just friends however we created this Mentor-Student-Coaching relationship.
Chen has a strong desire to improve his dating and has read a couple of books about picking up girls, or dating as a polite way to say it. I also read a couple of books about dating and became so good at it, that I ended up with countless girlfriends across Europe/Asia. It’s unbelievable how easy and rewarding dating can be when one has a deep understanding of them selves, others and communication.
Now Chen sees this as an opportunity to ask questions and sort out some of his thoughts. “Is this dating stuff in the books for real? Does it work?”
I’m sitting opposite Chen nodding up and down. “Yes mate, it certainly CAN work. It can be amazing when you figure it out. You can find what you are looking for!”
Chen has one big problem holding him back. (This is pretty good, normally people have much more, or we are just looking at one issue here now):
“I’m Malaysian Chinese man! No girl wants to date me, just look at me,” said Chen.
Chen is an average character, not really good looking but certainly not ugly. He has a non-athletic with Chinese appearance. Chen believes girls don’t find this attractive and this is the reason why he can’t get a date. In fact Chen even told me many Malaysian Indian guys were doing better than him and when he saw them succeeding with girls from his university he got even more stressed. Chen firmly believed that he couldn’t get a date because he is of Chinese appearance .
This is what we call a “Limiting Belief”. Some people think it’s there teeth, their lack of confidence or alpha status. Some think it’s an ability to connect or not knowing what to say.
“I’m Malaysian Chinese man! No girl wants to date me, just look at me.”
There are many techniques for changing or blowing out a Limiting Beliefs. For Chen’s limiting belief I went at it from two angles. Firstly challenging, secondly re-framing. These are the kind of questions I asked: (Please note, this came from Chen at the time. There not my beliefs!)
- What’s the problem? – I’m Chinese. Girls don’t want to date Chinese
- How is that really a problem? – Girls don’t like Chinese.
- Don’t they? Says Who? – Everyone knows it.
- Why is that? – Because Chinese is not good enough and not attractive.
- Why is that? – Chinese don’t do attractive things. We don’t look masculine or fit.
The thing here is that for Chen, he believes that Chinese guys are unattractive. There is nothing actually wrong with him, just his self-image.
Secondly, we worked on re-framing the situation with some NLP techniques and after 30 minutes this is what we got from Chris.
“Ordinary Chinese are not physically attractive to most western women and I can use this to my advantage. Women won’t suspect or see me coming! They can judge me however they want. And if they judge me poorly, I can use it to my advantage! it will be even easier to sweep them off their feet! I can talk to them easily, confidentially and friendly.”
“I’m not really masculine or strong, but I’m not fat. I’m actually pretty healthy.”
“The real reason I haven’t had much success is that I thought I wasn’t good enough. I’m definitely good enough for a great woman and I will concentrate more on reinforcing a better self image!”
Done. Limiting belief challenged and re-framed positively!
Six months later, I went past Malaysia and visited Chen again. He looks like a new man. He put on a few Kilograms of muscle. He had been going to the gym because he has become genuinely interested in his health and fitness. He even had a big thick book with him about Men’s Health and was reading ALL of it. It was fantastic to see his new passion and zest for life.
Twelve months later, I passed again and Chen now lives a very healthier lifestyle, attends a weekly Salsa event where he is making himself known for spinning the women around on and off the dance floor. Chen is no longer dating as he has himself a great girlfriend from Finland.
Just a couple of directed, well worded questions helped Chen see things from a new angle which lead to him being a much better person and ultimately finding a dream Girlfriend. It doesn’t always work like out like. Well, it more often does. But be aware, some things are un-coachable. Just hit the contact button and ask away though. Although I’m not spending much time Coaching in Kuala Lumpur these days. I would love to visit Chen and my friends there and well, hey, Malaysia rocks!
Now remember, “Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available” or “Everyone is choosing what to do with the resources they think they have available”. So you know you can contact me, and if we were friends before Salamat datang, and even if we weren’t you can still contact me with your questions. If your a person that takes action, now would be a good time.
In addition to this, here is a good article about how to gain more social confidence. Great if your trying to improve your dating life!!