Hi there, this article was originally written for my female friends in Shanghai. This is extremely relevant to women and perhaps men everywhere however I wrote it for Shanghai women in particular because this city is simply so dry on available men, and so full of amazing women. We are going to dive deep and fast into one of the biggest problems single people need to face.
What I’m going to share with you could well be one of the biggest keys for successful dating that most coaches without adequate training would easily miss. It looks kind of simple, it sounds kind of simple, it could be simple. Perhaps being aware of it, could be the start of a big change for you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It shows you are already open minded and able to look at things from different angles. It’s important that you keep your mind open as I’m wondering, are you aware of what’s really holding you back?
Go on take a guess. Or pull out the excuse you normally use. And perhaps it’s true. Looking deeper we are all faced with similar fundamental fears.
Deeper down you may be a little bit or perhaps shit scared of being alone. Not being good enough. Perhaps not having children and hitting late 30’s. After coaching many women through this, I’ve picked up a thing or two. These fears are extremely common and the problems are different, but the underlying human behavior is like a code. The code is the secret. Deep down, we are all running on autopilot. Reacting to everything that happens quickly or predictably based on the past rather than based on the future. It’s human nature. But we can all do better.
Now you made the choice to come here, you’re looking for the more success, therefore the next question is….
Is there a science to successful dating?
Firstly, to make it really happen for you in the dating and relationships game, you may want to consider learning more about this code. Think, if you could decode your behaviour, or someone elses behaviour, you could do so much more. The self awareness, ability to influence, to capture a heart really expands.
With new self awareness people tend to start to pick up on their fears and this is one of the first places for change to take place.
There needs to a letting go of one or more of the three fundamental fears. Letting go of the fundamental fears is like jumping into the deep end of a pool for the first time. Do you know what these fundamental fears are?
Honestly, it’s pretty easy to be told or to read what they are and you will in a minute, however you really need to take it in slowly and on a deep level. This is serious stuff and really connecting to the message will assist you in your journey where ever your are in it!
The biggest thing holding you back is most likely to be one or a blend of these three fundamental fears:
- Fear of not being loved.
OMG. What if no one loves you?
What if you try so hard and end up single.
Will your parents love you if no one else will?
Think about a little dog for a minute. Now the owner ignores the dog for a long time. Or a child.
- Fear of not belonging.
We are human beings. We come from a family.
We have a deep sense of needing to belong. We did for survival.
Humans came out of caves and created societies. There is a fear of getting kicked out or dis owned.
- Fear of not being enough.
Your approaching 30 or 40, your single, what do your parents think of you?
Well your parents probably and should love you. But still we fear not being enough.
Our entire upbringing was a struggle and constant series of developments to be enough.
What if we aren’t good enough?
I urge you to read them again slowly, and consider how you ‘do’ each fear. Do you ignore it, steam roll over it, or does it affect you a bit more than that?
It’s absolutely normal to have these fears, they are natural.
However they naturally and for some dramatically, hold us back!
Constantly I see men, wanting to approach a pretty woman, but he can’t. If she rejects him, he fears ‘not being loved’, being laughed at or not belonging to his or the greater society circles. The man also has to be concerned, is he good enough.
The same situation applies for women.
How do you react to these fears and which ones do you relate to most?
If these fears did not resonate with you, think about it from a logical detached point of view (as in, get out of your own head, heart, ego and pride zone).
What would someone that feared not being love do?
What characteristics would they posses?
What kind of things would they do?
Do you know any friends that are like that?
Do you do any of that?
Repeating the procedure, with what would someone that feared not belonging, not belonging to their family, social circle, belonging with others.
How about someone that feared not being enough. Not being enough to others, not being enough to themselves.
What would be the signs of these fears, do you know anyone that clearly has the signs or fear? Do you do any of that?
It’s most likely you do! It is very unlikely you don’t.
The true effect:
Think about it. Two people very very similar. One is afraid of not being loved, belonging or not being enough. The other person is aware of their fear, minimized it, and has strategies in place to counter act it. They may even appear or actually become fearless. Who would you rather be with?
Personally I still feel these fears at times. In fact, years ago, I felt them a lot! I learned to how to manage fear and you can too. With or without relationship coaching these fears can be identified in most people.
How I deal with it:
For me, I found that awareness helped a lot. Now days, I’m much more in tune to my body and emotions. I feel this fear coming on. Generally I see, hear or know something is coming. Or perhaps it’s just a thought in my dead. Then I feel the fear growing and wait, hang on, that’s fear!
Then I ask myself. Why is that feeling there? Where is it coming from? Is it doing me any good? Realistically, looking at myself from a third person perspective, should I, or is there any real purpose in feeling fear. Perhaps its silly, perhaps its acceptable. Most frequently it doesn’t really serve me well and I want to minimize it. So I acknowledge the fear, then work on moving straight through. Moving how? One step after the next. Realizing the fear is silly, laughing at it, re-framing it, or just forcing myself to continue focusing on positive aspects. If you keep focusing on positive aspects, you will keep seeing and feeling those positive aspects. You can do this too!
Now that you have learned this, you should find yourself with a lot more awareness and options for overcoming challenges. If you really want to overcome fears and challenges. Consider working with a qualified coach or even a new coach in training. If you really want to get the results and begin a new life reach out to me and if I can’t coach you myself, I will happily introduce you to another fantastic coach that can.
Change Happens, Growth is Optional…
Adrian Cahill ACC