It’s amazing, even world champions can find themselves reacting to challenging or even little things. I’m completely guilty of overreacting very often in my relationship with my wife and sometimes simple things in a social media group would ‘trigger’ me and set me off in a rage. Many of my clients shared the same struggle. One of them, a C-Suite Executive, very successful career-minded woman, asked me for a solution and we ‘coached’ on it regularly as she changed her direction in life. Yet what I’m about to share, is ‘next level’. I’ve shared this with clients in 2017-18 and they have greatly reduced re-activity in days! So this is super powerful stuff if you implement it.
In this article, we are going to cover what is and how to create an Enlightened Relationship.
The traditional “Til Death Do Us Part” and “They Lived Happily Ever After” are falling away as evidenced by the growing divorce rates in almost every country around the world. Recently I travelled to Bali, Singapore, Shanghai and in every city I heard single people complain about not being able to find the one, or not wanting to date. I also met a lot of couples who seemed to be in the common stage of living together but perhaps because of convenience or fear of the unknown rather than together for love. So I think it’s kind of official that Failed relationships are the new norm and that SUCKS. I’m going to share here not just hope, but a deeper description of an Enlightened Relationship and how to move towards creating one rather than repeating the same old same old.
What is an Enlightened Relationship?
There are multiple stages and states in relationships. Stages are like levels, states are temporary. Sometimes states go on too long and seem like levels. The ‘Honey Moon Effect’ or ‘Puppy Love’ could be viewed as a state or a stage. Either way, what if a Traditional Relationship was also a stage? Divorce another stage? Enlightened Relationship is the stage I want you to get to.
So the Enlightened Relationship is a stage where most relationships don’t get to and if your anything like me, or most people I’ve worked with over the past decade, a lot of our parents weren’t there either. Relationships deserve an overhaul. Most of us are destined to stay at low stages of development but thank god you are here reading this now! If you have read a single article or blog of mine, then you already know I love transforming lives I hope you can be next.
How to go beyond the Honey Moon Effect, and beyond a Traditional relationship?
Personal development is the name of the game and when people transcend their lives, they transform not only their lives but the lives of those around them as well. So please do this for you, and for all those around you! The big secret isn’t such a secret. It’s in developing your self. See most people in the lower stages of relationships are at a level of blame. I’ll explain the level there. A second problem is priorities. Another is a lack of quality knowledge. And lastly presence, or BEing. Being the person. Rather than not finding the one, stepping up and BEing the One.
Victim to Trancendance:
Level 1. Victim. Blaming others. The outside world is at fault.
Level 2. Responsibility. I’m at fault. I have to go out there and try.
Level 3. In the flow. Enjoying life.
Level 4. Transcendence. Oneness.
Most of our society is at Level 1 or 2. Seeking to get into 3 occasionally 4. Level 4 is pretty rare and it’s more like a temporary state unless you are a monk.
As a Coach I’m having a few deep conversations every day. Typically when my clients (or myself for that matter) are having problems in our relationship, we often go straight to Level 1. Blame! But I remind my clients, to step up, step into Level 2. And then step into Level 3. Another great example of this is to listen to anyone going through a breakup or divorce. A lot of divorcees will spend years at each level. On the upside, when they ‘let go’ enough they start to really enjoy each new level.
So in your relationship, which level are you at? Want to move up?
Exit Level 1 by letting go of blame and accepting personal responsibility.
Exit Level 2 by letting go of control and embracing uncertainty.
Exit Level 3 by letting go of duality. (Advanced stuff not covered here)
Many 30year olds in China find that dating and relationships are a struggle. In Australia, it’s very common too but the priorities are so different. Very very rough here but look, most of us grow up as a member of a family with mum and dad. Or grandparents. Their belief system affects ours. People have a different order of priorities. Education, Career, Money, Family, Fun, Health, Spirituality, etc. I know very very few people who have a very high priority for LEARNING how to have successful relationships. Yet I met a lot of people with a very high priority for finding the one. Or for dating. Or being social. Or working hard to get an apartment/job/title, and then I’ll get married and have kids.
Remember Education is a business. Businesses funded by the government, or shareholders, often both. Yet few educational institutions teach EQ or relationship skills. I’ve never heard of a school teaching the models featured in my articles. Yet self-learning, self-directed learning could be a priority. I launched MOTIVATE Shanghai in 2012 and we have had over 200 events where people come and learn all kinds of things from communications, NLP, coaching, relationships……
Before expecting to magically have a wonderful relationship, put some time into learning how to create one!!!
Hire me! or Ask me for directions to cheaper solutions if you’re on a budget. Skip Youtube and Social Media. Look for books that are 10+years old. A great indicator is books that become classics. Kahlil Gibran, Rumi are just as relevant today as ever. John Gottman and John Gray are good in my opinion, however as men, they are not very masculine. Masculinity attracts Femininity. Vica Versa. Even in gay relationships, one partner plays the other energy. Learning to understand this energy is valuable. Gary Chapman, 5 Love Languages. Insightful.
Learning to understand self is priceless
Remember the levels from Victim to Transcendence. Going up the levels requires letting go of the past levels. Being really mindful and IN ONESELF, present with oneself will lead to letting go of blame, maybe even letting go of level 2 or 3.
I feel a real presence, mindfulness is real strength/compassion for both men and women. It’s not for the fake brave. Not for the go-getters that are so busy go-getting, they don’t have time to confront their own stuff. This surface-level presence, or surface-level mindfulness, can lead to some benefits, but those benefits are more in line with the lower level needs. Going really deep with your self, fully aware of yourself often leads to new awarenesses and insights. Some writers/psych people talk about shadow work or a dark side. This shadow work is really powerful with our own personal development and is then reflected in leaps and bounds in our relationships.
See a lot of us live our lives chasing more and more material wealth believing that when we have enough material wealth, then we will be happy or suddenly be fulfilled. It’s a false life based on the Ego. But it sells. Just like the Mindfulness Teacher on Social Media telling everyone how mindful he is.
To enter the Enlightened Relationship we need to move towards our own enlightenment while accommodating and supporting our partner in theirs. We must find ourselves in our own ways.
Now we have covered the problems, the process is pretty clear. Some points are refreshed here in a different light and some may be new.
To be in an Enlightened Relationship starts with 3 requirements:
1. It takes 2 conscious beings, in other words, a couple that has both transcended or have been exposed to their true selves. Both are willing to be 100% accountable for themselves and their relationship. Not just 50% or sharing responsibility. Both take full accountability. David Hawkins sums it up brilliantly: “By taking the responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that ‘nothing out there has power over you.’ It isn’t life’s events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one’s life, whether they’re experienced as an opportunity or as stress.”
2. You have to know and work on yourself. For you to own yourself and speak your truth about whatever comes up for you in honesty and authenticity. This begins by working on your shadow, your fears, and your dark side. You need to accept the traits you don’t like, or that may not seem positive as all traits contribute to the whole. When we do this ourselves, the relationship changes in our eyes. As this happens it makes space for external changes. Change becomes more easily and natural.
3. Recognise that it’s not natural to be right so often. As babies and children we learn through making mistakes, not by avoiding them. Yet perhaps school or ego, doesn’t seem to appreciate this. As we get older perhaps we get conditioned to strive to be right, rather than happy!
We must let go of our attachment with being right. This goes further. You have to let go of your expectations as to how the relationship should look, how the other should be, or how you should feel and be ok with letting go. Letting go, surrendering, loosing are often portrayed as negative things we should avoid. Could you imagine playing a game of cards if you never lost? Now would you enjoy playing with someone who never or couldn’t handle losing? Losing is an essential part of life. Hence my comment about Ice Cream on Pooh and the motivational world. We have to be negative at times in order to be positive at times. We need bad to know what good is. Being wrong is vital and if you can focus on being wrong, “being ok with being wrong” then being ok with the unknown suddenly becomes a lot easier.
Would you like to assess where you are or develop more?
I created this myself through my coaching studies and work with clients. You need to be completely honest. Please EMAIL yourself a copy and one will be saved in the system. If you ask for a consultation session, this will help greatly.
For those interested in relationship coaching, couples coaching and counselling. Please feel free to reach out for a consultation, even if I’m not the one, I can point you in the right direction perhaps. My wife is studying with The Gottman Institute. They are one of the world leaders in understanding and developing relationships. Lin is already creating success stories and very capable.
So the best starting point is having a discussion with me over Skype or Phone and I’ll happily recommend or help you find something in your budget and time frame, to your particular style. Schedule a free chat with me here Free call to Adrian.
Have a great day. Talk soon.
What is an Enlightened Relationship, by Adrian Cahill
Hi there, Adrian Cahill here. I have performed the role of Relationship Coach in Shanghai for many clients however I’m certified and accredited in the fields of Life Coaching, NLP & Psych-K, not relationship therapy or counselling. I’m experienced enough to have been married, divorced and remarried. Now a happy husband with my 2nd super child on way.
My wife is studying how to be a relationship coach for women in China (or Chinese abroad). Meanwhile, I continue coaching full time expats in China and in many other cities. There are very few full-time relationship coaches in China so I thought important to share this article.
There was so much that I learned from my own experience, and then it was multiplied after a few years professionally coaching individuals which time and time again ask for help with their relationships. I learned a lot through having an unsuccessful marriage. Almost losing my second marriage. Becoming a dad. I was coached extensively by one of the most expensive coaches in China. Later I found my self-coaching so many smart single men and women. Coaching parents through the hardships and tough times that are natural when children come along. I’ve personally been to multiple relationship counsellors and my wife is studying from one of the best relationship courses on the planet so I think I know what I’m talking about but I know I could easily be wrong.
I can confidently say, I am still learning, still making mistakes, still surprising myself at what I was saying 12 months ago. You too will find a lot of value in this article but you should enjoy it with a cup of tea or coffee and 10 minutes of peace. Please enjoy.
In this article I’m going to share from a Life Coach or Relationship Coach perspective WHY COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES IN THE 21st CENTURY.
In the past a successful relationship may have been living together and not killing each other. For some, a successful relationship may be like the ones seen in romantic movies. We spend many years being educated to be good employees yet how much time do we spend learning key skills essential to a growing relationship?
Successful relationships are full of learning curves. Preferably smooth but most times it’s jagged and often painful. The less we are ready to learn, the more painful and challenging it will be. If you are already well educated, some kind of expert or find yourself thinking “you don’t know what your talking about, my situation is different” than of course your situation will be incredibly hard to solve by yourself. Hence the saying “You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.” In 95% of conversations I have with smart, intelligent people, their intelligence is one of the biggest obstacles standing in our own way.
For years I stood in my own way. We need to learn how to unlearn.
We need to unlearn.
What do you think that means? If you just had a ‘aha’ moment you may have gotten it. If you understand it logically, then maybe you get it logically. And that’s certainly different from true knowledge.
After coaching hundreds of men and women I see a very common trend. It’s so common one may think it a human nature. We think we know best. We think we know the way. We forget that the way we believe is right is just the way it is right with that kind of thinking.
Each person I assisted with relationship challenges has shared with me their beliefs on what a relationship should be. They often describe what I call a “Traditional Relationship”. In this relationship they are living together in peace, but small-medium fights are a natural. Some people describe relationship which is more like a magical never ending honey moon. Occasionally I hear something much more. And that is what I call an “Enlightened Relationship”. However to get there we must first understand and embrace this article.
So each person shares with me their beliefs on hat the relationship should be. In the reality, it’s not being like that and they blame the other person or communication problems or generally something else. But in simple terms, we want this wonderful relationship, we are not getting it.
Often what we say and do is different to what we really want. Events are dictated by circumstances but we have the power to affect the outcome greatly if we control how we react to that circumstance. No matter what the circumstances or events are, how we react is HOW WE REACT. Here is where we can take control or responsibility.
People often express the desire to be great, gracious, peaceful, patient, loving, and caring partners. But in reality most people stray either a little or quite far from what they expressed as their ideal. And then instead of taking control or responsibility for their actions or reactions, it’s easier for our ego to point a finger at someone or something else. This is not a relationship problem. This is a self problem.
If you prefer to say it’s a relationship problem or a partner problem. If you want to blame the other person or just say, they are not mature, or whatever, that is ok for now. Either way, here is a more detailed breakdown of:
WHY RELATIONSHIP COACHING OR LIFE COACHING IS ESSENTIAL FOR COUPLES.
- Average couples act as if there are just 2 people in a relationship. As Bruce Lipton describes it brilliantly in ‘The Honey Moon Effect’ there may be 2 people but after a little time it becomes more like 4. Both partners have a conscious and unconscious mind which plays out vitally different roles. At first we show our partners what we want them to see. We put in extra effort. We show our nice side. Then in time, our more natural unconscious starts to raise it’s head.
- The unconscious mind stores long term memory. It remembers how your parents handled challenges. How your parents dealt with problems and the roles they played. Only it remembers events from an incomplete and distorted point of view. Young children firstly have a vastly different angle and awareness. And then the mind captures certain things but it’s impossible to capture everything. Some sticks such as the emotional reaction. The fear when people yelled perhaps. Later in life they marry a Greek or a Chinese person who speak loud and with little awareness their subconscious may start to feel fear.
- The unconscious mind is more likely to hold negative memories with emotional charges than positive memories. This is a survival mechanism yet it causes havoc in relationships. Both partners are basically loaded with negative memories which may or may not be deeply suppressed. These may lead to: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, imposter syndrome, low self esteem, and a variety of anxieties or complexes.
- It takes time, discipline, and energy to reprogram the unconscious mind. Sometimes it can be sped up by having a good relationship coach, or a transformation coach. Going through some Psych-K or NLP Process. Various forms of meditation. But it still takes work. I help people change beliefs through simple conversation. Through Psych-K one can experience rapid shift in self esteem or release of trauma yet very few are qualified and experienced in this in China or working over Skype. (It can also be hard to explain to your partner that you getting some quiet time to meditate is so important.)
- Then let’s say all the above gets sorted out well, then you are really ready for ultimate success. We still need a few more capabilities such as: setting the foundations for each other to grow; how to be patient when something triggers you, how to help your partner support you better, how to listen to your partner without making suggestions or judgements, how to make your partner feel they are the most loved and cherished person on the planet, understanding each other’s ‘Love Languages’.
I think it’s extremely clear why people are screaming out for Relationship Coaches in China.
And it’s not just China. I know Relationship Coaches in Japan and Korea are basically nonexistent. I’ve seen Dating Coaches for men, but never a Relationship Coach for men. In Australia we have organisations like Relationships Australia or Centre Care which offer relationship counselling. Occasionally there are well-experienced people in these organisations but I’ve coached countless people who have struggled even after months seeing these qualified counsellors.
Coaching support is the forward I feel. My clients are constantly developing themselves. They grow like palm trees on the beach in Hawaii. Every session they are raising their awareness and taking full responsibility for themselves. They are constantly transcending challenges. We may start coaching for a better relationship, and then they get promoted at work. We may coach for career, and then they get a better relationship or more intimate with a partner. The benefits of raising awareness, helping clients transcend challenges and then finding ways forward is what coaching is all about.
It’s not about feeling better, temporarily relieving stress, a magic pill, or worse yet, a prescription for pharmaceutical drugs. It’s about getting the results you really want.
Feel free to reach out. I am happy to listen to your situation. I may offer to coach you on the spot or provide some pathways forward for you. Don’t worry if you are not having the best success with relationships so far, in reality, most people aren’t. But you now have the choice to step up and take control. I often work with people for 3-18 months. It’s common for them to find themselves in Enlightened Relationships after a period of growth. Some clients have gotten engaged within 8 weeks Coaching.
It’s what you want is important feel free TO FILL THE FORM BELOW to share back with me.
[contact-form-7 id=”5432″ title=”Relationship Coach in China”]
I created this myself through my coaching studies and work with clients. You need to be completely honest and ensure you print out and EMAIL yourself a copy. In Emailing yourself, you will also get a follow-up email.
Hi there, this article was originally written for my female friends in Shanghai. This is extremely relevant to women and perhaps men everywhere however I wrote it for Shanghai women in particular because this city is simply so dry on available men, and so full of amazing women. We are going to dive deep and fast into one of the biggest problems single people need to face.
What I’m going to share with you could well be one of the biggest keys for successful dating that most coaches without adequate training would easily miss. It looks kind of simple, it sounds kind of simple, it could be simple. Perhaps being aware of it, could be the start of a big change for you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It shows you are already open minded and able to look at things from different angles. It’s important that you keep your mind open as I’m wondering, are you aware of what’s really holding you back?
Go on take a guess. Or pull out the excuse you normally use. And perhaps it’s true. Looking deeper we are all faced with similar fundamental fears.
Deeper down you may be a little bit or perhaps shit scared of being alone. Not being good enough. Perhaps not having children and hitting late 30’s. After coaching many women through this, I’ve picked up a thing or two. These fears are extremely common and the problems are different, but the underlying human behavior is like a code. The code is the secret. Deep down, we are all running on autopilot. Reacting to everything that happens quickly or predictably based on the past rather than based on the future. It’s human nature. But we can all do better.
Now you made the choice to come here, you’re looking for the more success, therefore the next question is….
Is there a science to successful dating?
Firstly, to make it really happen for you in the dating and relationships game, you may want to consider learning more about this code. Think, if you could decode your behaviour, or someone elses behaviour, you could do so much more. The self awareness, ability to influence, to capture a heart really expands.
With new self awareness people tend to start to pick up on their fears and this is one of the first places for change to take place.
There needs to a letting go of one or more of the three fundamental fears. Letting go of the fundamental fears is like jumping into the deep end of a pool for the first time. Do you know what these fundamental fears are?
Honestly, it’s pretty easy to be told or to read what they are and you will in a minute, however you really need to take it in slowly and on a deep level. This is serious stuff and really connecting to the message will assist you in your journey where ever your are in it!
The biggest thing holding you back is most likely to be one or a blend of these three fundamental fears:
- Fear of not being loved.
OMG. What if no one loves you?
What if you try so hard and end up single.
Will your parents love you if no one else will?
Think about a little dog for a minute. Now the owner ignores the dog for a long time. Or a child.
- Fear of not belonging.
We are human beings. We come from a family.
We have a deep sense of needing to belong. We did for survival.
Humans came out of caves and created societies. There is a fear of getting kicked out or dis owned.
- Fear of not being enough.
Your approaching 30 or 40, your single, what do your parents think of you?
Well your parents probably and should love you. But still we fear not being enough.
Our entire upbringing was a struggle and constant series of developments to be enough.
What if we aren’t good enough?
I urge you to read them again slowly, and consider how you ‘do’ each fear. Do you ignore it, steam roll over it, or does it affect you a bit more than that?
It’s absolutely normal to have these fears, they are natural.
However they naturally and for some dramatically, hold us back!
Constantly I see men, wanting to approach a pretty woman, but he can’t. If she rejects him, he fears ‘not being loved’, being laughed at or not belonging to his or the greater society circles. The man also has to be concerned, is he good enough.
The same situation applies for women.
How do you react to these fears and which ones do you relate to most?
If these fears did not resonate with you, think about it from a logical detached point of view (as in, get out of your own head, heart, ego and pride zone).
What would someone that feared not being love do?
What characteristics would they posses?
What kind of things would they do?
Do you know any friends that are like that?
Do you do any of that?
Repeating the procedure, with what would someone that feared not belonging, not belonging to their family, social circle, belonging with others.
How about someone that feared not being enough. Not being enough to others, not being enough to themselves.
What would be the signs of these fears, do you know anyone that clearly has the signs or fear? Do you do any of that?
It’s most likely you do! It is very unlikely you don’t.
The true effect:
Think about it. Two people very very similar. One is afraid of not being loved, belonging or not being enough. The other person is aware of their fear, minimized it, and has strategies in place to counter act it. They may even appear or actually become fearless. Who would you rather be with?
Personally I still feel these fears at times. In fact, years ago, I felt them a lot! I learned to how to manage fear and you can too. With or without relationship coaching these fears can be identified in most people.
How I deal with it:
For me, I found that awareness helped a lot. Now days, I’m much more in tune to my body and emotions. I feel this fear coming on. Generally I see, hear or know something is coming. Or perhaps it’s just a thought in my dead. Then I feel the fear growing and wait, hang on, that’s fear!
Then I ask myself. Why is that feeling there? Where is it coming from? Is it doing me any good? Realistically, looking at myself from a third person perspective, should I, or is there any real purpose in feeling fear. Perhaps its silly, perhaps its acceptable. Most frequently it doesn’t really serve me well and I want to minimize it. So I acknowledge the fear, then work on moving straight through. Moving how? One step after the next. Realizing the fear is silly, laughing at it, re-framing it, or just forcing myself to continue focusing on positive aspects. If you keep focusing on positive aspects, you will keep seeing and feeling those positive aspects. You can do this too!
Now that you have learned this, you should find yourself with a lot more awareness and options for overcoming challenges. If you really want to overcome fears and challenges. Consider working with a qualified coach or even a new coach in training. If you really want to get the results and begin a new life reach out to me and if I can’t coach you myself, I will happily introduce you to another fantastic coach that can.
Change Happens, Growth is Optional…
Adrian Cahill ACC
Do you remember (or perhaps your still there), when you were in your young twenties, having a night out with your buddies, in one of your favourite locations. This night you were really in your moment. You met a special someone. You kick it off greatly, you have a good understanding of each other or things in common. Maybe they knew one of your friends. Connected somehow. The stars aligned. With this person you shared the stories or knowledge of some events or things that happen in the past. You plan something for the future. Perhaps a coffee, another date or more.
That is LUCK.
Recently I was visiting my Sister in Brisbane Australia. I was walking in the city and an attractive lady was near by walking the same direction. We were 10 or so meters away. Understanding fear I quickly made the move and broke the ice with her. Making a quick and almost Instant Connection. She looked Korean so I just tried my luck and said hello in Korean. I demonstrated an understanding and connection with her culture and knowledge of what its like living in a new city. Exchange Kakao Talk (Like Skype) details and met up a few days later for lunch.
That was very rewarding and LUCK.
Luck is based on the following ingredients:
Weather its dating, making money, or playing basket ball, the same ingredients are required.
Look quickly at Warren Buffet. He is in the game of Investing, that is his location. He isn’t on the Basket Ball court or Holly Wood.
He Understands the Stock Trading Game. He has the connections, so much so that the deals come to him. Lastly he has the Knowledge to play and win.
Michael Jordan, He isn’t playing Golf. He is tall and into Basket Ball. That is his location. He Understands the Game, what it takes to win. He is connected with multiple teams. The other players on the court. His coach, marketing manager, advisors. His knowledge is in the game of Basketball, and he knows it well. He doesn’t know Marketing or Branding. He has a branding manager for that.
How does LUCK affect you
Short read which will dramatically help you boost your dating life just by changing your mindset.
This will take 3 to 15 minutes depending on if you really do the activity and make the decision. Or just 3 minutes if you read it, yet you may not get the results.
- When I say dating, what comes into your mind?
- What are the first 5 words that you would think of?
- Seriously, do it. What comes to your mind? Write them down.
If they are words like hard, challenging, annoying, difficult or any words alike, then we have a problem. The words you just said set your frame or mindset. If you think them, you live them. If you think dating is hard, it’s not going to become easier. If you think it’s easier, will it be easier?
Possibly. It certainly won’t get any harder!
Makes sense right? Try talking about the general topic of dating with your friends.
Just ask them, “When I say dating what are the first things that come to your head?”
Suggest asking some friends that are successful or enjoy dating, and some that don’t!
3 Mindset Strategies For Effective Dating
Dating is fun.
a) Be optimistic. – You attract positive experiences when you think of positive things. Having a positive attitude makes one attractive. Nobody wants to be with negative people.
b) Don’t pressure yourself. – There are a lot of possible partners anywhere; keep trying until you find the one. Don’t quit. You just haven’t found the right person for you yet, and it’s not because of you.
c) Lighten Up. – Don’t take dating and finding your “soul mate” too serious. Dating should be an enjoyable process and not a checklist of do’s and dont’s. Have FUN because dating is fun … it’s supposed to be!
Dating is intense.
a) Fear, anxiousness, relief, laughter, happiness are part of the adventure. We go on a roller coaster ride of emotions.
b) Intensity & Passion comes naturally.
c) Just consider that anything you are “intense” about is part of the filtering process for finding the right one.
Dating is supposed to be natural.
a) It’s hard that all of a sudden you are supposed to like and be liked by someone you just met. You know how to make friends right? Apply the same logic to dating, take the pressure off yourself and your date. Start by trying to be their friend.
b) Dating is not just finding love but meeting new friends.
c) Dating is a natural way to make new friends and perhaps find a new partner.
d) Dating is a natural process, we need to do it. It’s probably better if we do more than less of it right?
Dating is fun, dating is intense and dating is natural!
There is a lot more reasoning and science behind this. I’ve kept it short, simple and effective as I value your time. For single men, I have more content in my private collection for mindset strategies/frames, along with techniques and tactics for quick results. Ultimately, getting better with the other sex is through personal development.
Have fun with it. Make these three mindset strategies part of your day to day life and dating will become much easier. After all, how are we going to find our soul mate if you won’t give it a try?
Through online dating, you can meet a lot of possible partners while sitting in the comfort of your own home. It is an unbelievable option: as long as you talk in English, you can be in touch with almost the whole globe. And yet when you only speak on your native tongue (if not English), then you can still get to know more people than you can meet at a bar.
I have only tried a little bit of it with no success. So I asked my friend Yves to give my readers and I some better guidelines. Yves was happy to share his thoughts with us on the online dating world.
Online Dating Tips:
- Just be yourself. Don’t try to be someone others want you to be. It’s important to have a complete profile. Some people say keep it simple, I like to give a little more.
- Be open with your intentions. If your after fun, let them know.
- It’s okay to be discouraged sometimes, but don’t let it get you down for a long time. You’re still a valuable mate for somebody out there. You just need to have the patience to discover that person, whoever and wherever she maybe.
- Don’t be anxious to make the first move. If someone’s profile interests you, then say hi or tell her why you liked her profile (emphasize it’s not because of her looks).
- Be patient. Online dating is time-consuming. Do not expect instant results.
- Don’t rely completely on online dating. If you’re not being socially active in real life – even if not to meet women – your social skills will get tarnished and your real dates will suffer as a result.
- Although it sounds obvious, stay away from girls who asks money or expensive things. There are professionals out there who look interesting but just see you as their next victim.
You have to take advantage every dating tool accessible to you. It doesn’t mean you can’t still meet people in real life; it just means you’re enhancing your options.
OK Yves, I have more couple of questions for you. I have tried Online Dating and met a few women. Most of them don’t fit my category. I’m really picky perhaps. I seem to spend a fair amount of time trying and end up on a dinner date with someone I’m not physically attracted to. How do I go about this? They look different in the pictures!
Pictures are often Photoshopped. You have to realize that they will never want to put their ugly photos online. They only use what’s the best and show them in good light. So always expect less on their appearance.
Another thing is it’s the personality that’s most important.
Perhaps if you are picky, you could outline in your profile some of your conditions. Perhaps word it nicely like “I really like to be fit and healthy, if your not practicing a fit and healthy lifestyle….” or “I’m strictly after someone fit and into having a healthy body.”
Thank you for your assistance Yves. As I’m an old fashion “Hi how are you” guy your tips are certainly appreciated. Any feedback from friends is always appreciated. Anyone have any further reading or top 3 tips. Please post back. Cheers and good dating everyone. From Adrian and Yves (special guest writer)
Remember, a real partner is one that looks better and better every morning.
Playboy versus Nice Guy?
I’ll never forget that Saturday afternoon, 2007, sitting in a beach side bar on the Gold Coast Australia. I was with my cousin and had a great day in the sun. Suddenly this girl came in to the bar and took a seat next to me. She was gorgeous and even started a conversation with me.
I thought I was the luckiest man in the world. She was funny and interesting. I was a little shy but very polite. My cousin is a super funny guy and we all proceeded talking and laughing for a 5-10 happy minutes .
Next thing you know is this smooth, Playboy type guy came in to the scene. He pretended he knew her and totally cut my cousin and I off from our conversation. Moments later, the Playboy took her to his table to be with his friends.
My cousin and I were left there dumbfounded. Honestly, I doubt he even knew her. In fact later I found out that he didn’t. Pretending to know her was a pick-up line. He used which clearly worked. I hated this Playboy. I watched him frequently with bitterness and spite. I saw him repeatedly approaching and succeeding with women almost every time he entered the bar.
This event really shook me up. Not just that he did it. The fact that he did it over and over again. I was annoyed, bitter and angry. At the time I was coming out from a 7 year old relationship. I was clearly clueless about talking to women and the whole dating thing. Yet this guy was just walking up to women like it was totally natural to approach and be friend gorgeous strangers.
Being a soldier I was pretty fit, healthy, clean cut and a traditional gentleman. Wasn’t I a good catch for a woman? Isn’t health, manners, stable job, secure future, courtesy, respect, and all the rest more important for a woman than smooth lines from a playboy?
Gradually, I became more aware of my self; the dating game and the bigger picture. Luckily I learned how to talk to the opposite sex. Slowly I became more confident, more knowledgeable and even helped others improve their dating.
Recently, I met with some Dating Coaches and PUA who have provided some enlightenment on the topic.
Many Dating Coaches and members of the ‘Pick Up’ community differ with my original ideas. They say charisma, humor, being busy and challenging are better ways to catch a woman than my nice guy approach. They say women don’t want a nice guy. They actually want to be challenged and want what they called “an emotional roller coaster ride.”
Well, I was probably the flattest roller coaster in the world. I had no idea about challenging her. Why would I pretend I’m busy and make it hard for her? Charisma, isn’t that a personality trait? You can’t fake that. Being single and dating can be rather stressful to say at least. Now the Dating Coaches tell me I should play hard to get and challenging. That just didn’t make sense.
Currently, one of my best friends is training young men in the Pick Up game. Initially I was really surprised to find out that guys were paying my mate for lessons on how to pick up chicks! I asked my friend if he was seriously getting paid to do it. He simply asked me how much money I had paid on coaching and making money seminars.
Well, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on my financial education. I guess it has paid off. I made $400USD this morning before getting out of bed. I don’t want to be filthy rich. Just want live life my way. A smarter way. My friend the PUA Coach said that most of his clients don’t want to be playboys, however they want to choose their next partner or help to find their dream partner. That I can relate too.
I’m not sold on teaching guys to be a Playboy. However I am sold on self development. For my friends and clients I recommend a balanced approached to developing all areas of your life. By improving all areas of our life we naturally attract more people. For relationships and dating I most strongly recommend reading ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus‘.
For young Men or Women looking for specific PUA training just Google it. Sure you will find enough.
What’s the value of finding the right person for you?
I would like to share with you my most recommended first date tip. It’s simple but so needed. If you don’t know it yet, you have to try it. Traditionally, the men ask the women out; however that is so yesterday. In today’s world, women can definitely ask the men out. Read more
Sometimes it helps to get someone else’s opinion when it comes to matters of the heart. So here are some dating tips that I will share with you guys that will surely help you in finding that “The One” in your life.
I strongly feel 90% of issues can be addressed by focusing on the purpose or intent.
What is your intent on dating? Are you after a long term relationship?
Are you after the fun?
Are you looking for “the one”?
Make sure your frame (thoughts) supports your intent (purpose or goal). Personally, I feel you should also let your intent be known. By letting it be known, you are allowing it to flow into your life more easily, effortlessly and honestly. It’s alright to date for fun, or date to find ‘the one’. Simply let your intent be known.
Clarifying what we want and actually writing it down will improve our chances of getting. The simple act of writing it down helps our unconscious and conscious work together in achieving what we want. Just by writing it down we can allow better results to flow into our lives.
Who do you actually want to date? Please, write out all the things you are looking for in a partner. If this is difficult for you, an alternative is to write out all the things you don’t want in a partner i.e. “I don’t want a partner that smokes.”
And then we can look for a positive re-Frame. ie.
“I don’t want a partner that smokes,” could change into, “I want a partner that cares for their lungs and has good health.”
What’s the most important trait you are looking for in a partner?
When we know what we want, we will be happy with ourselves. Hopefully by doing what we love and following our passions we have gotten the opportunity to meet someone that could be the one!
OK guys, totally honest, upfront, and direct to you.
“I, Adrian Cahill want a partner that enjoys living a healthy lifestyle. Ideally, she will be into or interested in Yoga and running. She must enjoy reading, ideally books that I also enjoy or intellectual books (originally I had read books, and not read crappy magazines). She must be supportive to my dreams and goals”.
Come on guys, I wrote it out and put it on the WWW. You can write it out too!
There are many ‘Keys’ to dating, however, you have to be complete and happy with yourself first. Sounds quite simple ?And yes it is.
By investing in a healthier lifestyle, you will naturally feel better about your self. A little daily meditation, exercise, socialization, bonding with family and rest are all ways to make your self feel better. Looking after your health and weight better would certainly help you attract the opposite sex, you know you feel so much better about yourself when you’re feeling healthy (here is an article we wrote on losing weight using your mobile phone). This naturally leads to better dating.
A lot of the time when your not having success with something, its easy to feel down or depressed. There is a bad obvious catch here. Feeling down, brings you down, you meet someone and your down! If your not having success at the moment with say dating, or even your finances, try concentrating on something else for a little bit. Try spending a little time improving another area of your life. Perhaps something as simple as going for a long run, walk, or bike ride. Perhaps spending time with family. Then later come back and tackle the dating or finances again.
I strongly encourage a plan to improve all areas of your life as this leads to better dating. Love, health, friendships, family, finance are all intertwined.