My first experience with Non-Violent Communication was through an Executive Coach I had hired to assist me with balancing some stressful issues I was handling. I hired this Coach as I was really curious what it could do for me and one of the biggest things I learned is that I was communicating rather ‘roughly’ or not seeing ‘eye to eye’ with some people in my life. Anyhow, I got through the situation, got a positive result but knew there was still more to go. A year or two later I watched the Coach deliver a workshop on NVC. Later getting some books and audio programmes to deepen my learnings. Here are my translations and short form of the topic.
It’s amazing, even world champions can find themselves reacting to challenging or even little things. I’m completely guilty of overreacting very often in my relationship with my wife and sometimes simple things in a social media group would ‘trigger’ me and set me off in a rage. Many of my clients shared the same struggle. One of them, a C-Suite Executive, very successful career-minded woman, asked me for a solution and we ‘coached’ on it regularly as she changed her direction in life. Yet what I’m about to share, is ‘next level’. I’ve shared this with clients in 2017-18 and they have greatly reduced re-activity in days! So this is super powerful stuff if you implement it.
In this article, we are going to cover what is and how to create an Enlightened Relationship.
The traditional “Til Death Do Us Part” and “They Lived Happily Ever After” are falling away as evidenced by the growing divorce rates in almost every country around the world. Recently I travelled to Bali, Singapore, Shanghai and in every city I heard single people complain about not being able to find the one, or not wanting to date. I also met a lot of couples who seemed to be in the common stage of living together but perhaps because of convenience or fear of the unknown rather than together for love. So I think it’s kind of official that Failed relationships are the new norm and that SUCKS. I’m going to share here not just hope, but a deeper description of an Enlightened Relationship and how to move towards creating one rather than repeating the same old same old.
What is an Enlightened Relationship?
There are multiple stages and states in relationships. Stages are like levels, states are temporary. Sometimes states go on too long and seem like levels. The ‘Honey Moon Effect’ or ‘Puppy Love’ could be viewed as a state or a stage. Either way, what if a Traditional Relationship was also a stage? Divorce another stage? Enlightened Relationship is the stage I want you to get to.
So the Enlightened Relationship is a stage where most relationships don’t get to and if your anything like me, or most people I’ve worked with over the past decade, a lot of our parents weren’t there either. Relationships deserve an overhaul. Most of us are destined to stay at low stages of development but thank god you are here reading this now! If you have read a single article or blog of mine, then you already know I love transforming lives I hope you can be next.
How to go beyond the Honey Moon Effect, and beyond a Traditional relationship?
Personal development is the name of the game and when people transcend their lives, they transform not only their lives but the lives of those around them as well. So please do this for you, and for all those around you! The big secret isn’t such a secret. It’s in developing your self. See most people in the lower stages of relationships are at a level of blame. I’ll explain the level there. A second problem is priorities. Another is a lack of quality knowledge. And lastly presence, or BEing. Being the person. Rather than not finding the one, stepping up and BEing the One.
Victim to Trancendance:
Level 1. Victim. Blaming others. The outside world is at fault.
Level 2. Responsibility. I’m at fault. I have to go out there and try.
Level 3. In the flow. Enjoying life.
Level 4. Transcendence. Oneness.
Most of our society is at Level 1 or 2. Seeking to get into 3 occasionally 4. Level 4 is pretty rare and it’s more like a temporary state unless you are a monk.
As a Coach I’m having a few deep conversations every day. Typically when my clients (or myself for that matter) are having problems in our relationship, we often go straight to Level 1. Blame! But I remind my clients, to step up, step into Level 2. And then step into Level 3. Another great example of this is to listen to anyone going through a breakup or divorce. A lot of divorcees will spend years at each level. On the upside, when they ‘let go’ enough they start to really enjoy each new level.
So in your relationship, which level are you at? Want to move up?
Exit Level 1 by letting go of blame and accepting personal responsibility.
Exit Level 2 by letting go of control and embracing uncertainty.
Exit Level 3 by letting go of duality. (Advanced stuff not covered here)
Many 30year olds in China find that dating and relationships are a struggle. In Australia, it’s very common too but the priorities are so different. Very very rough here but look, most of us grow up as a member of a family with mum and dad. Or grandparents. Their belief system affects ours. People have a different order of priorities. Education, Career, Money, Family, Fun, Health, Spirituality, etc. I know very very few people who have a very high priority for LEARNING how to have successful relationships. Yet I met a lot of people with a very high priority for finding the one. Or for dating. Or being social. Or working hard to get an apartment/job/title, and then I’ll get married and have kids.
Remember Education is a business. Businesses funded by the government, or shareholders, often both. Yet few educational institutions teach EQ or relationship skills. I’ve never heard of a school teaching the models featured in my articles. Yet self-learning, self-directed learning could be a priority. I launched MOTIVATE Shanghai in 2012 and we have had over 200 events where people come and learn all kinds of things from communications, NLP, coaching, relationships……
Before expecting to magically have a wonderful relationship, put some time into learning how to create one!!!
Hire me! or Ask me for directions to cheaper solutions if you’re on a budget. Skip Youtube and Social Media. Look for books that are 10+years old. A great indicator is books that become classics. Kahlil Gibran, Rumi are just as relevant today as ever. John Gottman and John Gray are good in my opinion, however as men, they are not very masculine. Masculinity attracts Femininity. Vica Versa. Even in gay relationships, one partner plays the other energy. Learning to understand this energy is valuable. Gary Chapman, 5 Love Languages. Insightful.
Learning to understand self is priceless
Remember the levels from Victim to Transcendence. Going up the levels requires letting go of the past levels. Being really mindful and IN ONESELF, present with oneself will lead to letting go of blame, maybe even letting go of level 2 or 3.
I feel a real presence, mindfulness is real strength/compassion for both men and women. It’s not for the fake brave. Not for the go-getters that are so busy go-getting, they don’t have time to confront their own stuff. This surface-level presence, or surface-level mindfulness, can lead to some benefits, but those benefits are more in line with the lower level needs. Going really deep with your self, fully aware of yourself often leads to new awarenesses and insights. Some writers/psych people talk about shadow work or a dark side. This shadow work is really powerful with our own personal development and is then reflected in leaps and bounds in our relationships.
See a lot of us live our lives chasing more and more material wealth believing that when we have enough material wealth, then we will be happy or suddenly be fulfilled. It’s a false life based on the Ego. But it sells. Just like the Mindfulness Teacher on Social Media telling everyone how mindful he is.
To enter the Enlightened Relationship we need to move towards our own enlightenment while accommodating and supporting our partner in theirs. We must find ourselves in our own ways.
Now we have covered the problems, the process is pretty clear. Some points are refreshed here in a different light and some may be new.
To be in an Enlightened Relationship starts with 3 requirements:
1. It takes 2 conscious beings, in other words, a couple that has both transcended or have been exposed to their true selves. Both are willing to be 100% accountable for themselves and their relationship. Not just 50% or sharing responsibility. Both take full accountability. David Hawkins sums it up brilliantly: “By taking the responsibility for the consequences of his own perceptions, the observer can transcend the role of victim to an understanding that ‘nothing out there has power over you.’ It isn’t life’s events, but how one reacts to them and the attitude that one has about them, that determines whether such events have a positive or negative effect on one’s life, whether they’re experienced as an opportunity or as stress.”
2. You have to know and work on yourself. For you to own yourself and speak your truth about whatever comes up for you in honesty and authenticity. This begins by working on your shadow, your fears, and your dark side. You need to accept the traits you don’t like, or that may not seem positive as all traits contribute to the whole. When we do this ourselves, the relationship changes in our eyes. As this happens it makes space for external changes. Change becomes more easily and natural.
3. Recognise that it’s not natural to be right so often. As babies and children we learn through making mistakes, not by avoiding them. Yet perhaps school or ego, doesn’t seem to appreciate this. As we get older perhaps we get conditioned to strive to be right, rather than happy!
We must let go of our attachment with being right. This goes further. You have to let go of your expectations as to how the relationship should look, how the other should be, or how you should feel and be ok with letting go. Letting go, surrendering, loosing are often portrayed as negative things we should avoid. Could you imagine playing a game of cards if you never lost? Now would you enjoy playing with someone who never or couldn’t handle losing? Losing is an essential part of life. Hence my comment about Ice Cream on Pooh and the motivational world. We have to be negative at times in order to be positive at times. We need bad to know what good is. Being wrong is vital and if you can focus on being wrong, “being ok with being wrong” then being ok with the unknown suddenly becomes a lot easier.
Would you like to assess where you are or develop more?
I created this myself through my coaching studies and work with clients. You need to be completely honest. Please EMAIL yourself a copy and one will be saved in the system. If you ask for a consultation session, this will help greatly.
For those interested in relationship coaching, couples coaching and counselling. Please feel free to reach out for a consultation, even if I’m not the one, I can point you in the right direction perhaps. My wife is studying with The Gottman Institute. They are one of the world leaders in understanding and developing relationships. Lin is already creating success stories and very capable.
So the best starting point is having a discussion with me over Skype or Phone and I’ll happily recommend or help you find something in your budget and time frame, to your particular style. Schedule a free chat with me here Free call to Adrian.
Have a great day. Talk soon.
What is an Enlightened Relationship, by Adrian Cahill
Are you curious?
What is mBraining. Is mBraining available in Shanghai. Is mBraining available in China?
Yes it is.
What if, God asks you after you die ….
“So how was heaven??”
It’s interesting how much of our world today is focused on everything else but the perfection of the present.
This highly interactive session will present some of the latest advancements in the ‘motivational’ world, and fuse them with ancient wisdom.
Is mBraining available in Shanghai, China. Yes it is and here it comes!
“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all” – Aristotle
“The body is the instrument of the mind.. The mind is an instrument of the heart.” – Hazrat Inayat Khan
“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.” – Buddha
“The sage knows this in his gut, and is guided by his instinct and not by what his eyes want.” – Tao Te Ching
And we have all heard “Follow your gut”, “Don’t lose your head”, “Be true to your heart”.
Rummi, Osho, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, are all well known spiritual teachers who in various ways tell us to listen to our hearts. But what does this mean? Is this just ‘mindfulness’ or spiritual wish wash?
Finally, western science is playing catch up!
A snippet of what is to come:
“Research in the new discipline of neurocardiology shows that the heart is a sensory organ and a sophisticated center for receiving and processing information. The nervous system within the heart (or “heart brain”) enables it to learn, remember, and make functional decisions independent of the brain’s cerebral cortex. Moreover, numerous experiments have demonstrated that the signals the heart continuously sends to the brain influence the function of higher brain centers involved in perception, cognition, and emotional processing.
In addition to the extensive neural communication network linking the heart with the brain and body, the heart also communicates information to the brain and throughout the body via electromagnetic field interactions. The heart generates the body’s most powerful and most extensive rhythmic electromagnetic field. Compared to the electromagnetic field produced by the brain, the electrical component of the heart’s field is about 60 times greater in amplitude, and permeates every cell in the body.” Rollin McCraty, Ph.D. Heartmaths
Science is also pointing to intelligence in our gut. It may not be brain cells, however the gut also has a quantity of Neurons which make up it’s own intelligence network. Which is really interesting as the gut was the first of the 3 brains discussed here to be created. Most of us can relate to the experience of having butterflies in our stomach, or to a visceral gut-wrenching feeling, and how often are we told not to ignore our “gut-instinct” or “gut-feeling” when making a decision.
Poor gut health has been implicated in neurological and neuropsychiatric disorders. There is now research that is linking depression as an inflammatory disorder mediated by poor gut health. In fact, multiple animal studies have shown that manipulating the gut microbiota in some way can produce behaviors related to anxiety and depression. However which is the side affect and which is the cause? Is it Psychology leading the body or the body leading psychology?
Further studies and a methodology known as mBraining, or mBIT (multiple Brain Integration Techniques) was developed by Grant Soosalu and Marvin Oka. Grant and Marvin have backgrounds in behavioural change technologies which include NLP, Modelling and traditional Psychology. (Hence the titles or first lines, What is mBraining. Is mBraining available in Shanghai.Is mBraining available in China?)
In their book mBraining they explain the prime functions of the 3 brains.
The Heart Brain:
- Relational Affect
The Gut Brain:
- Core Identity
The Head Brain:
- Cognitive Perception
- Making Meaning
Please note, I’m not saying these prime functions are limited only to the particular brain they’re associated with. Obviously the head brain, with it’s approximately 100 billion neurons is far more complex then the heart or gut brain and is involved in all functions at some level.
In this upcoming session with Adrian Cahill we will look at where this all comes from, what we need to learn from it, and how we can best use it to gain more wholesomeness in our life. MBraining is extremely useful in decision making and living an integral life.
With an understanding of mBraining and Heartmaths (a tool/technology for measuring heart rate variability) it is possible to add new layers of depth and awareness to EVERYTHING we do. We are really looking forward to sharing more exercises, examples and demonstrating how you can implement this in your own life or practice.
To contact Adrian Cahill, lead coach for Motivate Shanghai Scan QR
Is mBraining is available in Shanghai. Yes.
Is mBraining is available in China. Yes.
Actually, mBraining, and Heartmaths technology is accessible everywhere and you are more than welcome to add me and ask me for a quick chat about it or full session on how you can use this technology to change your life. It doesn’t work for everyone, and I’ll tell you straight away if I think it will or won’t work for you.
As an x-soldier serving on various deployments in places like Afghanistan and running my first team in ‘hot’ live-action filled places, most people would say I might know a thing or two about Leadership. This includes Leadership Development in China where I have lived and continue to funnel efforts into social enterprise and development. I find leadership development in China is an exciting field to be in. I personally enjoy a ‘piece of the action’ nowadays through being a coach for Expats and small business owners behind the great wall of China.
People are often surprised when they hear about my Army background. They say things like, but you’re so calm. I may be calm. But I’ve had my fair share of unexpected demons along with a ride of ups and downs. People often say they don’t have the discipline to be in the armed forces and I respect that. Often I find myself talking with high-quality men and women from a variety of backgrounds and find we have a lot in common. But yes, soldiers generally do have a lot of discipline.
For years I thought the best characteristic for being an effective soldier was discipline. It is vital yet my struggles lead me to deep research and endless studies with some surprising findings.
I would like to share one particular study with you as this links back to the Article about Yin and Yang which is actually a comparison between the Eastern or Taoist Yin Yang and the Western Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). This will all make sense in less than 5 minutes.
Leadership Development in China is missing the point.
Discipline is vital, but so is self-leadership, self-efficacy, self-motivation. In fact, there is a pile of vital keys which may make leadership development or leadership coaching a hot topic but they are missing the point. Leadership development in China and beyond will soon be realising some new truths and slowly, very slowly it’s coming out.
A recent study compared Navy SEALs to “non-elite” conventional military groups (elite vs. non-elite). The SEALs had higher heart rate dipping, which means that during sleep, when the parasympathetic system takes over to induce recovery, their heart rates dropped by an average of 29%, whereas the non-elites dropped by only 21%.
The SEALs also had lower baseline levels of the stress hormone cortisol during the day while in a non-stressed environment, despite an equal level of cortisol release during a stressful survival course. Cortisol is released by the ANS.
That’s a crucial point. The elite performers had stronger parasympathetic tone during non-stressful living conditions. Meaning they had lower heart rates, and lower stress hormones when they were in safer conditions. The ability to relax well is an asset. If they were unable to relax, their body would not recover and they would suffer more long-term issues arising from excess stress. The ability to quickly switch from sympathetic to parasympathetic is something that can be learned and developed.
In another study comparing Australian Special Forces soldiers to conventional troops during an intense training course, the Special Forces soldiers were found to have higher levels of sympathetic-driven nor-epinephrine during the stressful scenarios. When the training was over, the nor-epinephrine levels of the Special Forces soldiers returned to pre-training baseline, whereas the non-elite soldiers had significantly depressed levels. Their sympathetic system was exhausted. These elite soldiers, when stressed had even higher levels of stress-related chemicals to help them fight, and again, they were able to drop down into relax mode better than non-elite.
The vital key missing from a lot of leadership development coaches, speakers or leadership development experts in China and greater Asia, the key is this awareness and skill in influencing the ANS. Being able to fully be in the sympathetic system when required. Being able to access well. And then switching to the parasympathetic system and really recovering.
The sympathetic system and parasympathetic system are in my opinion the real Yin Yang often spoken about in the East and in traditional Chinese Medicine. Elite soldiers, elite leaders are often unaware of this terminology, but they thoroughly understand the concept of ‘Work hard, rest hard’. By being able to fully swing high on each end of the Autonomic Nervous System we are able to gain a broader reach with our bodies system, emotional flexibility, over all capabilities and both long and short term success.
This skill of switching consciously, (by choice) can be trained and developed. Making it happen faster and further is something I experienced first hand as a soldier preparing for Afghanistan. It’s something I enjoyed teaching and challenging my team to do better in.
Currently, I’m working with a few executive clients in the Asian cities. We work pre-dominantly through simple coaching conversations. In these conversations we can role play, create visualizations, or use more complicated technology like the HeartMaths systems (a device for monitoring Heart Rate Variability (HRV).
If I were to ‘sell you’ Leaderships Coaching’ or ‘Leadership Development Coaching’ I might empathizes discipline, or time management but these are smaller details or smaller skills which are a side effect of an effect coming from a ‘better place’ emotionally/calmly/physically. Hence you can focus (or sell) development products all day. And this can be good business. Like, keep selling motivation tapes. Go faster, go harder. To get real results fast and easily it’s about the maximizing the emotional and behavioral flexibility of the individual. This is greatly assisted by having them control there own Autonomic Nervous System, like the aforementioned ‘Elite Soldier studies’. When soldiers (or executives) are in the right mode, they are more likely to naturally display the calmer, more preciese behavior and flexibility which leads to far better resluts. Naturally developing, naturally growing, naturally becoming more and more elite through mastering ones ability to become centered.
Leadership Development in China and beyond…
If you would like a short session on how to train your body to automatically switch between systems more efficiently or you think we should engage in a conversation, please just reach out. There are various 3-minute power meditations, HRV training, or Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) exercises I would love to recommend. Particularly for veterans. For any veterans experiencing PTSD or anxiety, I am happy to give extra free time. Although my expertise is more along Leadership Development in China, I am happy to help out fellow veterans when I can.
28/11/19 Running an amazing online course, 5 people are about to complete and holding a 9 day NLP Coaching Practitioner Retreat with ICF Credentials. Anyone wanting Training, call me quick price is going up each month. Will hold a Master Practitioner and Master Mind in the following months. Enjoy this article I wrote for YOU!
Hi all. I just completed PSYCH-K in China and Hong Kong as a complimentary service, tool or methodology offered/used in helping my clients solve challenges, hit new highs, achieve balance, fulfillment and more. (I can’t wait to share PSYCH-K in Shanghai)
I first came into PSYCH-K after some 5 years after I started NLP & Coaching. So already pretty clued up, skilled and working with my own clients before I found this. Then it happened. I had my first PSYCH-K and WOW.
The session I had was over Skype with Dr Preet Khatiri. That’s right. Over Skype. And, in that one Skype session, I experienced such a large shift that I lost my voice for maybe 4 or 5 hours.
Since then I’ve met a few practitioners of PSYCH-K and like any modality, there is low and high quality amongst practitioners. Like always look for certification (it’s not just a piece of paper, it means their committed to pay for training) and testimonials (they have actually have gotten results).
As mentioned I use PSYCH-K in China, Hong Kong, and Australia. I may use PSYCH-K in Bali, Tokyo & Malaysia when I travel to those places next. I’m not going to use it instead of other methodologies I have, it’s a wonderful addition and tool I am looking forward to offering to others.
Ok so what is Psych-K
PSYCH-K® is the user-friendly way to change the software of your mind. This profoundly effective, verifiable, repeatable and simple process helps us identify and change our programming. Terminology varies but basically, every cell is affected by it’s perception. “Realty” depends on our perception. So it’s actually our perception of reality that shapes us.
The Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton
Bruce Lipton is largely responsible for the growth and popularity of PSYCH-K.
As a Cell Biologist, Bruce Lipton made a phenomenal discovery. He was teaching and lecturing that genes had the codes/master plan to grow and act accordingly. This was/is common accepted western science. Yet through his research Bruce Lipton discovered that cells movements and growth are heavily affected or even directed, by the environment they are in. The important thing is that it wasn’t actually the environment. It was the perception of the environment. When cells perceived food or danger, they moved accordingly. Therefore cells acted according to the perceived environment rather than the real environment. And this continues through to full grown adults. We respond to the world we perceive. Add to that, your perception is based on your beliefs. Hence:
“Your beliefs control your psychological and biological reality” Bruce Lipton Ph.D. Author The Biology of Belief”
If you believe that it’s cold outside you may take a jumper. It doesn’t matter if it cold or not. If you believe that it is cold, you perceive it as cold.
If you get outside and it’s 15 degrees and if you believe or perceive that as cold, you will react however you react. If you get outside and it’s 30 degrees, then your belief and perception may quickly change. Yet to some people 15 degrees may warm. And sometimes, I see people wearing a jumper even when I feel it’s quite warm.
I believe almost everyone in this world is loving and caring. I believe strangers are just friends I haven’t met yet. These beliefs support me in my day to day life.
Your beliefs are the foundation of your personality. They ultimately shape you as worthy or worthless, powerful or powerless, competent or incompetent, trusting or suspicious, belonging or outcast, self-reliant or dependent, flexible or judgmental, fairly treated or victimized, loved or hated. Your beliefs have far reaching consequences both positive and negative, in your life. Beliefs affect your mood, relationships, job performance, self-esteem, physical and mental health, even your religious and spiritual outlook.
According to traditional psychology, we inherit most of our beliefs from the people and the environment that surrounds us before the age of 7.
When I was 7, I was taught don’t talk to strangers. Imagine being 30, trying to network but still having this belief.
I also remember seeing people regularly fighting or arguing over money. Who knows what beliefs I had lodged in my poor 7-year-old brain.
As an adult, I tried to change these beliefs. Sometimes I bought programs, books, cd sets, dvd’s and seminar tickets.
A lot of this doesn’t work for 2 main reasons:
- They often work on a conscious level. (Common knowledge now that you need to work the subconscious level)
- You often do the reading/listening/actions by yourself. (Trying to push a car uphill)
To create real change PSYCH-K or preferably, working with a coach that understands PSYCH-K and NLP it is so much easier. PSYCH-K by itself is great and from my experience here are the 3 main reasons.
- Solid foundations for identifying which belief can cause problems.
- PSYCH-K has researched and supplied a collection of beliefs to check and work on. They have done ground work.
- We can discuss and choose a way to handle or change that to a supporting belief.
PSYCH-K is a user-friendly way to change the software of your mind and the print out of your life!
Popularly characterized as a kind of spiritual process with psychological benefits or the “short-cut” to personal change, PSYCH-K is a quick, direct and lasting way to transform stress or trauma and establish or hardwire powerful self-supporting beliefs at the subconscious level of mind where nearly all-human behavior exists.
Its overall purpose is to accelerate personal and professional growth. Individual and global consciousness. It can target specific beliefs or can focus on aligning your belief system with the collective belief’s of the world’s greatest spiritual and intellectual traditions. It makes wisdom a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Rob Williams Personal History and PSYCH-K® Philosophy
PSYCH-K® High Speed Mindset Change
I regularly do Coaching, NLP, PSYCH-K in Shanghai China, however, I love to travel. Also, it is amazing what we can do over the phone in a simple conversation.
If this isn’t right for you RIGHT NOW, feel free to follow on Facebook or Linkedin, or schedule a time to just chat and get more information or ask your questions.
Thank you dearly.
I wrote this up in 2014 and still talk about it regularly. It is one of the most amazing and comprehensive models I’ve ever come across and it I hope it will blow your mind as much as it has mine. I can see on slide share that it has been viewed over 1000 times, but downloaded over 100 times. People don’t just look at this, they keep it and often refer back to it. There are hundreds of ways to use the model.
It’s very valuable to anyone interested in personal or organisational development.
Be aware, you are where you are. Don’t try to push yourself or pretend to be somewhere you are not. Simply be aware of the level you are playing at, perhaps the level of the people and organisations around. From that awareness, you can make conscious decision to play at your regular, lower or higher value level.
Spiral Dynamics by Adrian Cahill
Spiral Dynamics by Adrian Cahill
You may be reading this because you stumbled upon my page or perhaps your fascinated with East to West methodologies. Or perhaps some other reason but, either way it boils down to this:
Yin and Yang is a simple concept. One of the biggest killers of people in this world I strongly suspect, and this has been backed up in further studies, is from too much Yang. Or in the west we may say too much stress.
If you are looking for a more ‘factual’ or western explanation of mindfulness, balance, stress, Yin/Yang, or demystifying East to West philosophy your in the right place. This article is the western science applied to Yin Yang and how it affects the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) which you will learn about in the next minutes. You will also have some action steps to improve your own balance and awareness.
A native American father tells his son
“There are 2 wolves battling in my heart.
One is violent and dangerous.
The other is full of warmth and compassion.”
The son ask “Which wolf will win“
The answer “The one I feed“
I just read this story for the second time. Only this time from a different book.
It was Daniel Goleman latest book written with the Dali Lama, A Force for Good. Highly reccommended for building compassion and depth of understanding.
It was through Daniel Goleman that I first started ‘formally learning’ about Emotional Intelligence. After reading just one book I got hooked and ever since have been focused on developing Emotional Intelligence (and Social Intelligence) in my life and for others.
WARNING: You may get hooked too!
I would really love to share a more in-depth explanation of this and share with you some of the scientific reasoning on how it works and how this is the basis for Yin and Yang.
So looking at the wolves, you may wonder, you may ponder different meanings. And that is the magic of metaphors. You take your own meaning out of it. Since you take out your own meaning, it’s more powerful then simply being told the reason or answer.
The more you think about how you have feel towards the story or metaphor, the more internal or self focused you may become. Through focus comes awareness. So take a moment to really feel the picture above.
I’ve been fortunate to study with some of the best thought leaders known. By chance I read this metaphor by Daniel Goleman and the Dali Lama and a week later I was working through a Emotional Intelligence in Leadership course by Dr. Richard Boyatzis. Last year I also heard Dr Bruce Lipton share similar work. Dr Boyatzis and Dr Lipton shared different stories but from a scientific, highly logical or masculine angle. So what we have is a pile of experts explaining something in various different language patterns and also emphasizing how important this is to individuals and the collective whole.
In Taoism, or Eastern works they say (in very brief words) Yin Yang represents the dualistic nature of life. Yin Yang is also represented in our body/souls. Yin Yang are opposites. In the above picture one is evil one is good which is completely wrong in Taoism. But it may help you understand, one is compassion, peaceful, kind. While the other is non compassion, anger, superiority. I say it’s wrong in Taoism as the label of evil in western language means something to be avoid and really bad. Sometimes it’s natural and perfectly good to feel anger. Don’t avoid either side, as all sides and emotions make up the whole. Life should be whole rather than dualistic.
Now what I really want to share with you is not about Taoism or Yin Yang. It’s about the Autonomic Nervous System.
Under that light, these wolves form part of larger system. That system could well be labeled the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). In short, it’s purpose is to regulate the body’s unconscious actions. It is divided into two further systems. The Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Para-sympathetic Nervous System (PNS).
The Sympathetic Nervous System.
It’s primary process is to stimulate the body’s fight-or-flight response. When we undergo stress or anger, this sympathetic nervous system fires up accelerating the heart rate, and constricting blood vessels which increases blood pressure along with a couple of other changes to body. You see with more blood racing out to our arms and legs we are able to run faster or fight more efficiently.
As a consequence, we have less blood in our brain. Our ability to think logically goes down. When fighting with someone or running from an animal you don’t need logic. Run! Fight!
In fact when fighting an instinct takes over not logic.
Another example is when you’re running late, and can’t find your keys. You start stressing, look frantically and then relies there in your back pocket.
The Para-sympathetic Nervous System.
The parasympathetic system kicks in through mindfulness, faith, hope, compassion, seeing kids laugh, patting a dog, experiencing joy with friends, having intimate moments with a lover.
When we do these things the parasympathetic system lowers the heart rate, lowers blood pressure, allows more blood to flow into the head. This results further in boosting the immune system. It not only works again but the body goes into recovery mode, rejuvenating, rebuilding the body.
It’s with this system that you’re at your cognitive best. And on every measure done, you’re in a better state.
Sympathetic and parasympathetic divisions typically function in opposition to each other.
This natural opposition is better understood as complementary in nature rather than antagonistic. Hence previously mentioning good and evil as being wrong. They compliment each other and are both necessary in life. Yin and Yang is a break down of the whole. You can’t remove either one. A problem, the problem is to much of either side can bring imbalance.
Now your action. What you need to do is to simply be aware of what nervous system mode you are in. The more you are aware the more you can influence. So I would like to ask you to consciously ask yourself through out the day, where am I? Am I in the stressed sympathetic or relaxed para-sympathetic mode.
When have I been using each system? What could happen if I used the other mode?
In our modern lives we really need to ensure we have our parasympathetic systems kicking in as much as we can. The stress will come in due course, that’s for sure. But don’t put off getting back into balance. If you’re going to be out of balance, consider being out of balance with laughter and compassion so you can bounce back, rather than anger and stress.
Have a great day, thanks for reading and sharing this with your friends. Much love and warmth.
Have had amazing success reducing stress in clients through using Heartmaths and mBraining. Here is a diagram from Heartmaths which illustrates what happens when you become to out of balance with too much Sympathetic Nervous System. This is serious stuff. If your suffering like this, simply schedule a session with me. We can help in less than 50 minutes.
Metaphoric Positive Reframe,
A technique for the entrepreneurs, positive leaders or anyone interested in positive psychology.
Have you ever wondered what other people or perhaps society thinks about your strengths? For about $15USD you can complete your own Gullups Strength Finder assessment and be given a breakdown of each of your 5 key strengths.
Recently I reflected on my Strength Finder results. My no.1 strength was Positivity. It made me wonder how can I share it in a much better way than simply a motivational quote by someone famous, put over someone else’s photograph 🙂
From that, I figured that if I could share with you one of the most powerful techniques or strategies, perhaps you can gain a lot more positivity naturally in your own life. However this technique is not limited to simply positivity. It can also assist with cleansing, mindfulness, relaxing, even productivity.
The technique that you are about to learn I’ve called the “Metaphoric Positive Reframe” or MPR.
Anyone can learn to do a MPR and the real big bonus is that this is something that is easily turned into a habit.
Let’s get into it:I remember my first real paid job. I was 14yrs old and the job was on a farm. It was physically really hard work. In fact my boss actually paid me adult wages because it was so tough. And there I was starting my weekend or school holiday on the farm from 6.30am.
The work was as hard as manual labour can get. Naturally I wanted to give up. I hated the heat, the sun, the sweat rolling into my eyes. I couldn’t wait till sunset, but it’s only the early hours in of the day.
In this time I went through numerous psychological processes as one would naturally do. I tried singing to myself. Focusing on what I could buy. Calculating how much money I already earned or would earn. Thinking about other things. None of it really worked for more than a few minutes. But this work went on throughout the whole summer.
In time I created a strategy which was amazing simple and effective. I started to look at things differently. This is what people consider hard work. I’m doing it. I’m succeeding. I can do it. As much as I didn’t like it, the work became symbolic.
This work was making me tougher. This work was helping me become a ‘hard worker’. The farm itself became part of me. As I worked on the farm I was working on my self. I was employed, earning and saving, just as the farm was employing, earning and saving. The work became less about a job and it became part of my development as a young man.
Every time I went to work, I said things to myself like, “I’m building my character. I’m building my empire”. Sometimes I would even repeat this like a mantra.
“I’m building my character. I’m building my empire”.
“I’m building my character. I’m building my empire”.
“I’m building my character. I’m building my empire”.
A lot of great things come out of South Korea. Gangnam Style or Kimchi may come to mind for you. However personally for me it would be memories of a week in the area of Noonsan learning Maum Meditation. Here they were very clued on to the MPR. They just didn’t call it that.
Students reaching higher levels in their practice would be ‘blessed’ with the option of doing chores like serving food or doing the dishes (for the entire meditation centre). Each of these tasks were given deeper meaning. Washing plates, could be experienced as washing away bad habits. Scraping leftover food into compost bins could be experienced as feeding the garden. Students learned to reframe the task and actually enjoy it. It goes to show that:
- You can do a MPR on any task.
- You can turn your whole life into a collection of positive rituals and habits with the MPR method.
Examples of specific MPR’s:
Having a shower, bathing or washing dishes:
Washing away the stress, cleansing, purifying.
Releasing negative thoughts from the mind.
I purify my thoughts and clean my mind to be more successful.
Turning on power, fan or light switches:
Control, ability, influence, helping others
I’m able to positively influence my environment.
I’m in control of my life.
I connect with that which I need to make my body and those around more healthy and comfortable
Realization, waking up, recognition.
I awaken to greater opportunities for success and abundance
I awaken grateful to have slept and appreciate the opportunity to be here today
How can you do this?
1. Pick a regular task. Showering, brushing teeth, cleaning, putting on make up, shaving, catching a subway, riding a bike, setting your daily alarm.
2. Picking a symbolic meaning behind each task. Cleansing, being alive, positive energy, revitalizing, recharging, motivating, contributing.
3. Create a physical reminder to do the MPR when you do the task. For example, put a note on the mirror, a rubber band around a shampoo bottle, a sticker on your bike.
4. Write out your intent, and your mantra. Writing it down makes it planned and repetitive.
Write out your intent: “When I set my alarm, I will stop worrying about the day, I will put the day behind me and rest”.
Write out your mantra: “I’ve put my day behind me, and will enjoy resting now.”
5. Consciously or out nice and loud repeat your mantra at least 3 times while you do the task.
6. Bask in the glory. Yes, I’m doing this! By actually doing this, you are in fact succeeding and adding growth to your day naturally.
Imagine for a minute.
What could happen, if you applied the MPR for just 3 routine mundane tasks?
Created and written by Adrian Cahill.
Adrian Cahill is an Executive Coach/Mentor working predominantly over the phone with clients across Asia.
One of my clients was asking me about helping them with finding their life purpose. It’s actually a question I encounter regularly and from my experience, it’s a much bigger challenge then it first appears. But once people are more aware of their purpose, pathways to pursue it magically appear. Just like in Martial Arts or The TAO, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
For finding your life purpose, don’t stop. Even if you feel you have it at your finger tips, keep looking deeper. Soon your life may just transform. Finding your big WHY is possible. Once on track the hows will reveal themselves. So here are 8 simple tips for you my friend.
Finding your life purpose
8 Simple tips to finding your life purpose:
1. Identify the activities that are meaningful for you.
These are the things that just feel right when you’re doing them, they have purpose and you feel authentic when you’re doing them. ACTUALLY WRITE THEM DOWN. Don’t just think about them. Make a list. At least 5 things that are really meaningful and another 5 that are so so.
2. Identify the things that you enjoy doing, are good at, and something that the world needs.
You may be good at watching TV, but does the world need more TV viewers? Well perhaps TV critics, TV show bloggers… But does the world need more of that? Perhaps the world needs people that are passionate about higher quality TV programs for improving people’s lives.
Are you good with communicating? Helping others through problems? Perhaps even something like cooking (creating). You should feel at your best when you are doing this. It may be something you don’t get paid for. Personally I’ve been very passionate about helping others my whole life. EQ/SQ became passions of mine around 2007 and it wasn’t until 2013 that I started to get paid for it.
When you enjoy doing it, become very good, and you figure out how to create massive value for someone somehow… It’s just a matter of time till there is enough value in what doing that more valued exchanges start to take place.
“Don’t let mental blocks control you. Set yourself free. Confront your fear and turn the mental blocks into building blocks.”
3. Create a brief statement that ties together what you are good at and what provides you with a sense of purpose.
In finding your life purpose you probably like to end up with a brief mission or vision statement. A short sentence, a paragraph or even a mantra. Ensure it’s memorable, short and to the point. It can be repeated in times of vain or yelled out over and over again in your car on your way to the next business meeting. Tony Robbins talks about this in some of his programs. A leader needs a mission or vision. Your purpose is that mission or vision.
Steve Jobs, had a very clear why. Profits and Apple were by products of his clear why.
4. Check how your statement or mantra supports your current direction.
Are your daily habits and rituals in line with this. How much of your daily life can be nearer to this?
Remember waterfalls start from little streams.
Steve Jobs was a futurist. A dreamer. Highly intuitive. Would he settle for working in a manager role? No! His why drove him to be in a highly intuitive, dreaming, creators role.
5. Develop new insights and skills that help you to live closer and closer to your statement or mantra without creating big changes.
I’ve worked with over 40 clients now, most of them thought they needed to quit their jobs. Many ended up changing their jobs however, many found that quitting wasn’t required.
Us human being have very common human needs. Often these needs are not met. Hence we end up looking to meet them else where in resourceful, or un-resourceful ways. If creativity is a need for you, and you don’t get to be creative, you may feel an unmet need. Rather than quit your job, doing something more creative on the weekends, or even some smaller creativity time or creative task may fill the void.
Helping people become aware of un-met needs, and un-resourceful thinking and habits are one of the primary results experienced through the initial stages of coaching. It all begins with awareness, then little changes (or complete transformation) can occur.
6. Take the time to reflect, savoir the moments and be 100% present.
In finding your life purpose, it’s very important we take the time to reflect. Recognize that sense of internal fulfillment and calmness when you’re doing things you love. Or doing things that assist you to be completely present. Consider a variety of meditation practices.
It’s very powerful and often underestimated. Especially with finding your life purpose or fulfillment. Meditation retreats, time out at a Kung Fu school or Yoga Camps are a great way to regain balance, composure, reflect and recharge.
” Making a big life change is pretty scary. But, you know what’s even scarier? Regret.”
7. Find ways to spend more time doing the things that link to your purpose, or find ways to link what you do to your purpose.
Can you turn your passion/purpose into a small cash flow system. This may not be evident right away. In 2011 and 2012 I was a NLP Practitioner trying to change the world. I was guiding people through healing and change processes. But I had no idea how to charge or even if I could. I stumbled upon a podcast and discovered a path that lead to becoming a professional and PAID Life/Executive Coach. That training and being able to monetize it meant that I could really focus on my calling. My calling is not to be a Life Coach, but this is part of my journey.
One of my clients has changed her job every year for the past 3 years. She knows her calling and after working in 3 different companies, in 3 different positions, she had learned the skills required to start her own business and has a pile of valuable experiences, good memories and connections from those 3 years.
8. If still required, then look at creating bigger changes.
Despite the previous example, which is a rare case, it still amazes me how quickly my friends in China quit their jobs. I wonder, are the problems they are faced with really going to be solved by changing jobs? Changing jobs regularly if it is for your purpose is great! If changing jobs and changing cities regularly, while not following your purpose is a problem. Perhaps instead of a change of environment, maybe a change in self is required. Perhaps a life overhaul or servicing. Check your self in to see a professional (or even a training) Life Coach to map out your life and purpose. Finding your life purpose is often something best done with help.
You may even find some of your experiences from the past (often between 3-9 years age) may be holding you back from being able to access your best self or cause problems in your relationships. It happens all the time. A coach is great for that. Finding your life purpose while suppressing emotions is a challenge. Finding your life purpose while suppressing childhood trauma or memories of mum and dad constantly unhappy or fighting is certainly a challenge.
If you don’t want to see someone to help you, or you really really want to do it by yourself, perhaps 1 – 3 weeks of Maum Meditation (in Noonsan Korea) or Viapasana Mediation (at temples and retreats all around the world now). Travel by yourself. Time in your religious center if you have one. Finding yourself, your passion, finding your purpose in life is a journey that will change your world forever.
“If you are given a chance to be a role model, I think you should always take it because you can influence a person’s life in a positive light, and that’s what I want to do. That’s what it’s all about.”
― Tiger Woods
Please feel free to share your thoughts on 8 Simple tips on finding your life purpose.
Would you like to have a real conversation?
For those that would like a 30 minute chat on “why I’m struggling to find my life purpose” or “I think I have blocks” please schedule a 30 minute chat here Adrian’s Calendar. It’s free for you because I’ve been there! I was stuck for years. But once I got through it, wow! Life has been so so good. Don’t sit idling, wasting time or procrastinating! Life is to good.
8 years ago I was a complete nobody. I had hardly any friends. I struggled to talk to new people, couldn’t talk to strangers and certainly couldn’t talk to the opposite sex. My Social Confidence was at all time lows. Once I learned how to improve social confidence, and meet new people a whole new world opened up for me. I hope, and know it can do the same for you!
This Article can be read here, downloaded in .pdf or via Slideshare
Today, there are a lot of people out there that don’t seem to have the charisma or ability to meet the people they want to meet. Sometimes it comes down to Social Confidence. As our readers are quiet smart and value self development, I thought we would write a little bit about the subject here. Especially for those that care about their communities and want to share a good read.
Good Social Confidence can easily lead to:
- Improved work relationships,
- Through meeting new people increased opportunity for sales or networking
- A dramatic increase in the chances of finding that special person
- New ideas, concepts, friends and a whole lot more fun.
So who wouldn’t want more of it!
Let’s not talk to much about it, but what about the opposite. I see a lack of Social Confidence regularly and you probably see it too.
Right now, do you believe that the community around you is regularly improving or losing Social Confidence?
Personally, it never ceases to amaze me how common a lack of social skills is. I’ve seen this in most of the countries I’ve visited so far (70+ Countries). Every single week I meet people who struggle to make eye contact, can’t hold down a solid conversation and let’s not get started with Smartphones replacing real life conversation.
Social skills are not something you learn over night or from a smart phone app. People traditionally learned through lots of experience and good guidance but since the creation of TV less and less real life interactions are taking place. Social skills are on the which is the main reason I chose to develop skills in Training & Coaching. This industry is booming, as more and more smart people turn to educated experts for advice.
However I could be wrong.What do you think? Are these skills going down?
Here is a six step process that helped me grow my social confidence and drastically improved my social skills to the point where I was on TEDx twice.
How to improve social confidence.
lets get into it!
1. Talk to strangers, daily.
Talk to everybody! Talk to the security guard, the shop attendants, the delivery people, people anywhere you can. Even if its just hi. This habit of becoming more social and a natural hello to any person is also going to help the common occurrence of “wondering what to say next”. Something that commonly happens when trying to meet the opposite sex. The more you talk to people in your day to day life, the more comfortable you’ll become in these types of situations.
It is a systemic desensitization approach to social anxiety and its effectiveness is evidenced by psychological research. For the majority of people, taking baby steps has proven to be the best way of overcoming social anxiety.
Another reason for doing this, is that you will meet all sorts of people from different walks of life. Doing this regularly is a fantastic way of building a diverse, interesting and larger social circle.
2. Learn to listen effectively.
Seek first to understand. Imagine if every thing that came out of your mouth was twice as wise. How valuable would that be?
That can actually be achieved a process I call
“shut your mouth & listen first”.
First listen with your ears, second listen with your mind. And if you really want to connect, listen with your heart. That’s what some people call, “third level listening”.
Remember, it’s not just verbal, it’s also language patterns, tonality, context based, and we haven’t even got to body language yet. Effective listening can really assist you in connecting with people without even having to think about what to say.
3. Everyone’s favourite topic is the same anyway
Everyone has their own story and their favourite stories. I love talking about myself. You do to. What is your story you like to share?
Think about that for a moment.
What’s your favourite story you love to share?
Perhaps you can prove me wrong, sometimes it happens. Pretty much everyone I ever spoke to across 70+countries I traveled had the same favourite subject. You know what it is, right? It was themselves. They want to talk about themselves.
It’s human nature. Perfectly natural. We like talking about ourselves. Therefore, whenever you want to talk to someone new, just ask them about themselves and fully listen to what they say. Be curious, find out about them. If you listen deep enough and ask the right questions you can learn something from everyone.
4. Don’t worry about what people think of you
Despite what we’re neurologically programmed to do, we actually overdo it. We are supposed to be at least a little concerned about what other people think. That is part of Social or Cultural Intelligence. Part of being in a tribe is behaving to tribe norms. However we often overdo it.
Most of the time, people are paying so much attention to themselves or what’s going on in their life (or phone) that they don’t pay much attention to you. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just, you’re not that important to them. They have their own concerns. In fact if someone thinks negatively of you, it is more often a reflection of something in their life and not yours. If someone is rude, neglecting or judging, it’s merely some drama in their own life coming out.
When you meet this behaviour, have patience with the person. Remember: the person and the behaviour can be seen as separate things. Focus on your own happiness. Happiness inside will be reflected on the outside.
The psychological and physical benefits of laughing are often underestimated. If you ever get the opportunity, try checking out Laughing Yoga. I hear it’s a blast. Laughing is one of the best ways to ease stress, anxiety, tension, fear, trauma and the hiccups.
As much as everyone loves a comedian, you don’t have to go that far. Laughing has a way of building connections between people so being light hearted and easy to laugh with is desirable.
Laughing in the context of fear, or lack of confidence is a simple way of reducing hesitation. Laughing at myself, laughing at my own fear of doing something is a gentle way of reframing or rethinking about the fear.
6. Want to really gain confidence?
Go to events where you don’t know anyone, regularly.
This would be one of the best habits for people trying to gain confidence in the steps mentioned above. How to apply tips 1-5 at a new event?
One of the hardest things for me to do after ending my first serious relationship (7 years), was going out by myself afterwards. For me, it wasn’t a choice, I didn’t have friends. However even later after I made some friends, I still practiced and pushed myself to go out alone (+ I was really looking for a girlfriend, not drinking buddies). I’ll never forget moving to a new city, and getting an apartment down town (Spring Hill, Brisbane). I didn’t get the internet put on, so that I would have to walk down to different Internet Cafe’s instead of staying home. After a couple of trips, and not meeting people, I started to detour around places and occasionally go into a bar or cafe. Unfortunately I didn’t know about tips 1-5 so I wasn’t that good, but I was making progress.
This tip is great for Meetup.com, festivals, house parties. A side benefit will be that it will force you to meet new people.
How do you attack a big challenge like Confidence?
The same way you eat an Elephant.
One piece at a time.
If you can read all of this article, then learning regular ways for how to improve social confidence is something you can certainly do.
Since you’re an avid reader and got all the way to the end, I like to say a big thank you for your time. Please, feel free to follow, ask for more, or reply with a comment.
After all, you don’t want to be latched onto the one person all night.Worse yet, you don’t want to end out like this man.
How to hire a coach may seem simple but it’s often not. So this is an article for those looking at hiring me or any coach. Here I will share how to hire a coach, and valuable insights. Really upfront and honest is my favourite approach to most things in life.
Spending money on yourself is one of the best investments you can make provided you are likely to get a good return. Investing in books or online courses can be great investments if you action what you read and really implement it. Although people are often telling me reading or online courses rarely get them long term results. Often people suffer procrastination and fear of actually pursuing big goals, therefore for those people, buying more literature can be another form of procrastination. A way to keep busy, keeping up the appearance of progress meanwhile avoiding the tough questions we often need to ask ourselves.
CAN YOU ACTUALLY GET MASSIVE RESULTS BY YOURSELF?
I believe you can, but if you could, you already would.
There are various types of coaching and just briefly, I see life coaching as the basis. The most abstract. Business, Executive, Relationship, Leadership Coaches as those focusing in on the specifics. In my opinion, one should start abstract, grasp a solid big picture, build a solid foundation, then focus in on the specifics in a logical highly effective sequence. It’s pointless focusing on a relationship, business or role that doesn’t fit with your values or lead to your mid-long term objectives.
How to hire a coach: ROI, Return On Investment?
Good coaching should ideally give you a return at least 5 times the size of your investment. Just as surfing lessons initially cost, but save you tons of time (and potentially save you from getting dumped hard on a shallow reef and breaking your back).
It’s obviously hard to measure the value of being …… Fulfilled. Or satisfied with life…
There have been countless studies by the International Coaching Federation (ICF) showing the returns. One client of mine went from a break-up in a mismatched relationship to getting engaged with a great match in 6 months. Another recently made his first million. Many have changed jobs/careers. Some have saved their relationship. One is about to take list their company on the stock market.
How to hire a coach: Do people regret coaching?
Honestly, I think some do. I hear this a lot and 95% of the time the coaches were not accredited. The ICF is the worlds largest coaching body, however, anyone can call themselves a coach or author, motivational speaker, CEO, founder etc. My 3-year-old daughter can claim all those titles whenever she comes back from daycare.
Many self-proclaimed coaches, guru’s, experts have had little to no specific training. To me, these many of these untrained coaches are like washed up surf bums selling themselves at the tourist carpark pretending they are pro’s. They could have possibly been pro’s. Often you can recognise them by a Bali or beachside video or selfies next to a sporst car…..
If you are a coach, simply ask to see their Linkedin profile and ICF Accreditation (My Linkedin profile is here). This will dramatically reduce the chances and the ICF also provides an avenue for any problems if it falls apart. I see a lot of complaints about coaches after attending events like Tony Robbins. The complaints are always unaccredited coaches.
How to hire a coach: What to look for?
- Training. A great coach is often trained in NLP. They should have a Practitioner, Master Practitioner or NLP Trainers Certificate. This is a core set of skills which lead to accelerated results. (Tony Robbins is a high-level expert in NLP, note he also sells some of the cheapest training available online however his certifications are not really valued much outside of his fan base)
- ICF (International Coaching Federation) Accreditation. ICF is the worlds biggest coaching body. There are many cheap online courses and books available on coaching but to get the ICF credential is quite some work. There is strict credentialing procedures so few make it all the way. If Coaches make it through you will see them using the ICF logo and one of the following 3 levels ACC, PCC, or MCC. Please note there is also the EMCC (European Mentoring and Coaching Council) which is the European equivalent, only applicable for coaches focused on or with Europeans. I personally went out and got this as maybe half of my online clients are European and I look forward to running training in Europe towards 2020.
- Ideally, the coach should have a background or understanding in those things you’re striving for. They do not need experience in your industry. That could be a roadblock. What is optimal is if they have helped support others through the challenges you are faced with.
- Money Back Guarantee. I often offer a money back guarantee on the condition that the person being coached, turns up. No turning up, no refund. Often clients may struggle and it wouldn’t be fair to offer a such a simple way out. Imagine if gyms did this! Therefore my money back guarantee is simply based on the client turning up regularly. No one gets results going to the gym once a month. Subscribe to a set of sessions, turn up weekly or fortnightly, results guaranteed.
- A track record of successful clients. This track record should be open and publicly displayed on Linkedin. Yes I’m sure there are some good coaches without Linkedin but really, is your serious about what you do your profile should reflect it. Please note, it’s common for many people to play the fake it game. Hence why I always encourage Linkedin. Also note, many new coaches can and will work happily for a low fee to gain experience and develop.
A final quick and simple sign for a good coach or a good doctor for that matter, the first call is substantial.
How to hire a coach: But I don’t have a budget.
Seeking a coach is a great form of investment in yourself yet most people don’t have the budget for it.
WHO ON EARTH HAS A COACHING BUDGET?
I’ll tell you who. They worlds top performers, athletes and executives do. Successful small, medium, big, business owners, CEO’s and partners often do.
But you probably don’t.
That’s ok, it’s not your fault.
Did you go to university? Do you know how much people spend on attending university? Often they can’t afford it, but they find a way.
After all, spending xxx,xxx on University plus x years studying. Suddenly investing in your own coach is something you can’t afford not to do.
You spent x years studying. X years working. Why not spend 1 year with a coach focused on working for you!
Can you really afford NOT TO BE WORKING ON YOUR IMPROVING YOUR OWN LIFE. Instead of ‘How to hire a coach’, perhaps it should have been called ‘How can you not have a coach’.
How to hire a coach: My costs as at November 2017.
For an ICF PCC level coach with Masters in NLP, the standard company rate in China varies from ¥3000-6000 per hour. For most of my clients this is simply too much so I have highest to lowest cost below.
My preferred way of working is ¥88,000 or $13,888 USD for a full year. This covers EVERYTHING for the year including calls to my team! My Relationships Coach and Mindfulness Coach will be available for you. A headset to monitor and train your self to go to deep levels of powerful meditation in between (and sometimes during) our sessions will be sent to your home upon starting. This option guarantees long term change. If you use the headset and train at least an hour a week I will completely back pathway with a money back guarantee. This coaching option is by application only. To be eligible, one should be earning over ¥40,000 a month or a founder of a business with employees.
Individual Coaching/Mentoring Strategy Sessions are available for purchase for ¥2,000 a session
If purchasing 3 or more sessions, a discount of 10-30% is available.
If purchasing 8 or more sessions, a discount of 20-50% is available.
Discount to be discussed.
For those earning under ¥25,000 per month, or limited savings, I have trainee coaches, mindfulness coaches and psychologist that may be available to assist. (I’ve personally also coached for an exchange of services, for example, I coached an electrical company in my hometown and they did electrical work for one of my properties). Or sometimes I’ll do a discount if all the ‘coaching’ is done in specific times (or gaps in my schedule). So please just let me know what may work for you. Everyone can grow with a coach.
To schedule a virtual chat to discuss pathways, please click here: www.calendly.com/adriancahill/virtualcoffee
For booking strategy sessions (upto 90 minutes), please click here: www.calendly.com/adriancahill/strategysession
NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming):
A science, approach, attitude and methodology behind communication, personal development and success.
To put it most simply, have you ever been at university and thinking, OMG this is so theoretical, when do we get to actually do stuff?
Well one psychology student back in the 70’s had the same question. He was working for a world-famous therapist, Fritz Pearls. While he was transcribing the work of Fritz Pearls, he learned a lot and began teaching other therapist at his university. These new therapist were getting results and the Student approached one of the new professors, a Linguist to join him. The Professor was a linguist. He had learned multiple languages and had previously served in the military on very very special top secret operations. The Professor and the student combined efforts. They put linguistic frameworks around what this world-famous therapist was doing. They continued to study and make models on other famous therapists such as Virginia Satir and Milton Erickson. Together, they decoded the magic and went on to teach thousands of people around the world the magic. In fact, their first books were called The Structure of Magic I & II.
Another recollection of the events, which I personally enjoy, highlighted how the Student, had a second question.
In psychology, we are always studying what goes wrong in people. Why don’t we study what makes people great instead?
And this question is how I like to see NLP. Not as a tool for therapy, which it is great for, but as a tool, methodology to help people be great. A way of learning and clarifying, whats the difference between what makes someone good, and someone else great!
Fast forward to 1990’s and there I was, a young teenager studying wealth creation books. I had no idea of NLP yet I was doing my own process of learning whats the difference that makes the difference between poor and rich. Rich and super rich.
What if you could learn what they learned? What if you could, and you could, couldn’t you, be open to learning more, now.
This process I was doing as a teenager is a less disciplined approach of what the creators of NLP did. They had a far more rigorous and structured approached.
Their approach became known as NLP Modelling. Modelling was the process that the student used to ‘be like’ or ‘act as if’ he was Fritz Pearls. This process evolved far more with the professor and further studies.
Through Modelling a trail of techniques, strategies, beliefs were formed. Some even say NLP is an attitude. An attitude towards learning and sharing excellence. Some say NLP is the study of Excellence.
Now the student, Richard Bandler, and the professor, John Grinder, are still alive and well today. They went on, bringing more people into the studies. The original group became known as the ‘Meta Kids’ They studied many of the best coaches, psychotherapist, family counsellors, healer and more. One student, Robert Dilts, later went on to study people like Mozart and Leonardo Da Vinci. A student of a student, perhaps of a student, was a business consultant. The business consultant saw the power of NLP and created his own version, shorter, easier to sell, less complex, taught by slides over a couple of days with a ‘one size fits all’ approach. This student trademarked some of the original work from Fritz Pearls as ‘Time Line Therapy’. This was my first experience learning NLP in a class room environment. It was very much like a classroom only the content was fantastic! I realised as I exceeded and continued learning that this ‘Time Line Therapy’ was ….. Not wrong, but largely fluffed up with long unnecessary scripts. Anyhow this is probably the most common form of NLP in Australia. Richard Bandler is still teaching in the USA and UK. His may be the most common there. And John Grinder, the Professor is the one who I hope to study under next! I look forward to sharing when that happens.
So NLP studied the greats and created formulas that you and I can learn.
Fast forward to 2010-2020 NLP is a key skill for Coaches, Therapists, Communicators, Public Speakers.
NLP Coaching is used by high-level executives, business people, and athletes to give them a major competitive advantage. NLP Coaching is for normal to smart people wanting to get more out of life, better results, or win. (Not to be confused with Psychology which is roughly focused on labelling what goes wrong and helping people be more normal). I learned this, loved it, helped hundreds of people experience exponential growth steps, and YOU CAN TOO.
Some more definitions and attributes:
- NLP is a discipline that studies the connections between an individual’s ways of receiving information through the nervous system (Neuro = visual, auditory, touch, smell, taste), its ways of communication (Linguistic = pictures, sounds, feelings, smells, tastes, words) and its patterns of behavior or emotions (Programming = neurological pathways / maps of thought / outcomes).
- NLP is an efficient approach in changing the way an individual thinks or acts toward someone or something and this can be utilized to achieve success in almost all aspects of life (personal, professional, family, business and finances, and almost everything). For example, we could look at the NLP strategies behind Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Dali Lama (in fact this has already been done) and then we can utilize some of their strategies or tactics in our life. Everyone has a map inside their head.
- NLP is also a system of discovering, modelling and installing those maps and models in others so they achieve the same or better results.
- NLP is for the mind is like a mechanic for your car. As the mechanic has expertise and passion for the car system, a NLP practitioner has expertise and passion for the mind.
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UPDATE: June 2019
I just came back from NLP Trainers Training with John Grinder, the Professor who became the Co-Creator of NLP. WOWWWWWW!!!!!
Such a pleasure to experience his training first hand. I was blessed to have a few brief conversations with him. It has given me amazing insights and he has certainly continued developing NLP. His latest work is called ‘New Code NLP’. I’m certified at Master Prac Level in New Code and I can now offer Practitioner Level Certificates in NLP. My coaching business and life is pretty full yet I look forward to co-training or delivering my own fully credentialed training later in 2019. You’re going to love it!!